Who Are Dwight Howard's Parents?

Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard is on a massive eating spree—his diet includes rims and backboards.

Not since a young Shaquille O’Neal have we witnessed this level of “monstering.” Yes, Howard has officially transformed the word “monster” into a verb. What else can you call what he does?

Back in Howard’s rookie year, Kobe Bryant welcomed him to the Association with a massive, loud right-handed leaner on his head. Howard, a shy 17-year-old, simply moved out of the way and allowed the thunder to happen.

Ever since, the rest of the NBA has been forced to deal with a humongous, scary, huge, frightening, unstoppable monstery MONSTER.

Every time you flip on SportsCenter or a Magic game you will no doubt see something that previous generations did not have the mental capacity to even dream of. You will see an absolute BEAST—seemingly from the future—throw down a ridiculously vicious thundery arena-shaking sledgehammer all over about three opponents’ entire families.

So the major question is: Who in the name of Darryl Dawkins are Dwight Howard’s parents? How can two human beings mate and create this immense dinosauric manchild? And he’s only 21 years old?!? My sources tell me that his father’s seed is laced with plutonium; and his mother’s uterus is definitely the 8th Wonder of the World.

Wherever he comes from, there is no doubt that there is currently no answer for Howard. Just look at his numbers so far this season: 24 points/gm and 15 rebounds/gm. In 3 of his last 5 games (vs SA, CHA, and @ SEA) he has had 34+ points and 16+ boards! He is shooting 61% from the field!

Of course, when you’re from the future and your dad’s baby batter is plutonium-laden, you’re gonna get lots of backboard-crumbling dunks. Other players, fearing broken arms and faces, will gladly move out of the way to let you unleash fury on rims.

On behalf of all fans of huge dunks across the nation, I would like to personally thank Mr. and Mrs. Howard for procreating this mammoth barbarian.