Jimmy Johnson: Showtime on Big "D"

Fox Sports NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson is currently a contestant on the CBS series Survivor: Nicaragua , which will air in September. Johnson, who coached the Miami Hurricanes to a national championship and the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowls, is also a spokesman for ExtenZe male enhancement pills. What should we make of Johnson’s status as a celebrity endorser and reality star?

More power to Johnson. And more power to ExtenZe and CBS for procuring such an iconic figure to further their respective brand recognitions. Johnson is a well-known former NFL coach, and led the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowls in the early 1990’s.

Those are no small feats, but obviously, there was some glory missing from his life. He may be “ringed” like a Cowboy, but apparently, that didn’t preclude his desire to be hung like a horse.

Obviously, Johnson’s master plan is to spread the gospel of ExtenZe to the far reaches of Central America, and beyond, should his time in Nicaragua go well. Isn’t ExtenZe’s slogan “Go worldwide?"

It’s not? Well, it should be.

Johnson’s appearance on Survivor is good for ExtenZe, and his endorsement of ExtenZe is good for Survivor . Both entities will benefit from Johnson’s association. It’s what they call in the business a “package” deal.

For Survivor and CBS, it means better ratings. For ExtenZe, it means more exposure, and therefore more sales. In a capitalist economy, it’s “market penetration” at its finest.

The reasons for becoming a spokesman, and, I’m assuming, a user, of ExtenZe are obvious—the payoff, monetary, and otherwise. Johnson was concerned that his nude scenes on Survivor would leave him exposed like a Dallas safety on a corner blitz. With ExtenZe under his belt, Johnson will have the confidence necessary to take charge in Nicaragua, confidence that comes with a larger Johnson.

And, Lord knows, you want to be confident when traipsing around the Nicaraguan coastline wearing nothing more than a loincloth.

Johnson should be a natural when it comes to the Survivor game. His take-charge personality and up-front attitude should serve him well. The rules are simple—impose your will upon 16-20 money-hungry numbskulls and media whores and outwit them, shaping and bending their will to fit your agenda. It sounds a lot like coaching the Cowboys, just with closer proximity to the South American cocaine supply.

And what better way to extol and exalt the miraculous glories of ExtenZe than around a campfire, graciously accepting compliments as you display the fruits of this terrific herbal supplement. If this were televised on Comedy Central , they’d call it “Roasting A Weenie.”

Sounds very un-manly, does it not?

But if anyone can pull it off and make it appear manly, Johnson is the one to do it. He’s a man’s man. It takes one heck of a man to admit he need’s “enhancement,” it takes an even bigger man to go on national television and admit the same. It takes even more of a man to profess to use this glorified placebo and claim that it works, then appear on one of television’s most popular shows, where perverted, voyeuristic viewers will be looking for evidence that it does, or doesn’t, work.

Clearly, Johnson will use his connections to ExtenZe to build a powerful alliance on Survivor, and you can bet many nights will be spent passing the ExtenZe bottle around the campfire as if it were a “piece” pipe. In Survivor strategy, size matters, at least where the number of members in your alliance are concerned.

Of course, this will probably only work on the male contestants—Johnson will need to employ a different strategy on his female counterparts. They are, naturally, “harder to reach,” which I believe was a rejected slogan for ExtenZe’s initial advertising campaign.

But Johnson’s a lot like Michael Irvin—he’s always had a way with the ladies who are paid to be there. Suffice it to say Johnson will exteNd an irresistible invitation to the female contestants, and lure them with sweet talk, like saying “I can see great things in you,” or “Member-ship has its privileges.”

Johnson has a great chance to win Survivor: Nicaragua , and walk away bowlegged with the $1,000,000 prize. And, if he’s not the last person standing at the end, you can best believe he’ll go down swinging, and he certainly won’t leave with his tail between his legs.

Whatever the outcome of Survivor, the real fun starts when Johnson returns to the Fox NFL Sunday set, where he’ll be ribbed for the viewers pleasure. Of course, there will be ten or so minutes of mindless chatter and giggling on the subject in a segment that will undoubtedly be called “The Prattle Of The Bulge,” or “Crotch Racket.”

And Frank Caliendo’s skits are writing themselves as we speak. How’s this? “I’m Frank Caliendo for male enhancement supplement “Hardalot.”

And Howie Long’s name just got funnier.

And Curt Menefee will boast that physiological stereotyping insists he doesn’t need any type of supplement.

The Fox crew will be entertained, and, by extenZion, so will we.