NBA Free Agency Thank You Notes

My crack team of investigators has scoured the trash bins, dumpsters and unguarded files of the NBA to bring to you this exclusive look at some of the thank you notes that have been written in the last few weeks.

And here they are..

Dear Dan,

Thanks for showing the world that I am not, in fact, the biggest douchebag among NBA owners.

Mavs > Cavs!!!

Mark

Interesting, huh?  Here's another one:

Dear George and Jerry,

Thank you for the invitation to the Most Hated Owner Club.  Unfortunately, due to a prior engagement, I will be unable to attend.

Mickey

Revealing, no? How about this one:

Dear LeBron, Dwyane and Chris,

We just wanted to thank you for causing the kind of hysteria that caused our owners to vastly overpay for our services.  There's a fruit basket on the way to you!  Enjoy!

Rudy, Joe and Brendan

Hmmm.... This one tells me a lot:

Dear ESPN,

Thank you for the offer, but I don't think my decision as to what to order at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant merits an hour long special. 

Kobe

This one was apparently going to be published in the New York Times:

Dear Knick Fans,

Thank you for your overwhelming support.  Unfortunately, as many of you might know, I am still under contract with the Denver Nuggets.  We'll talk next year, maybe.

Carmelo

This one was somewhat out of left field:

Dear Mel,

While you are definitely an expert in offseason hype, we don't believe that you have the requisite NBA knowledge to match your expertise regarding the NFL Draft.  As such, while we thank you for the offer, we will not require your services hosting on Thursday night.

ESPN

We'll have to keep an eye on this one:

Dear Pat,

Thanks again for the vote of confidence.  I also wanted to say how nice it was for you, in the midst of all that is going on, to ask about my family and to encourage me to spend more time with them.  It really shows how much you care.  Thanks again!

Erik

And, finally, there's this one:

Dear David,

I hope you were pleased by the way I brought unprecedented visibility to the NBA this month.  Thanks again in advance for your soul!

Satan