SpongeJohn CenaPants?!

SpongeBob SquarePants is an animated sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea and has virtually nothing to do with professional wrestling. So, why exactly am I writing about him?

First off, I assure you I have not lost my mind, and no, I do not have writer’s block.

The truth is, sometimes I think we need a break.

After all, our debates as wrestling fans can get a little heated, as we have been known to disagree on every topic under the sun. So instead of doing the usual back and forth on an editorial, I thought I would just try and have a little fun.

Plus, my son will be two years old in September, and my TV is set to Nickelodeon 24 hours a day. My son’s program of choice? You guessed it. SpongeBob SquarePants.

It’s funny, I have to admit.

It reminds me quite a bit of the old Bugs Bunny cartoons because while it looks as though it’s strictly for kids, there is a clever sense of humor behind it that speaks to adults as well.

The fact is, at this point I know everything there is to know about the characters and the wacky world they live in. When I think about it, it’s really not that different from the world of pro wrestling.

As wrestling fans, how many times have we all sat back and mentally compared the fictional undersea town of Bikini Bottom and its inhabitants to the fictional world of pro wrestling and its many stars? That’s right, we all have.

In fact, how many of us have wondered which pro wrestling personalities would be suited to portray the animated characters in a live action SpongeBob SquarePants movie?

Well, the time for wondering is over! Let’s do this.

 

Mermaidman & Barnacle Boy

Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy are two retired superheroes who live in an old folks home.

Years ago they were the stars of an action packed TV show and now they continue their adventures, albeit a bit slower and less impressively than they did before.

Hogan and Flair are perfect for these roles. Sorry, Ric, I love ya, but I just couldn’t resist.

 

Patrick Star

Patrick is SpongeBob’s best friend, and is the dumbest starfish in the ocean. He’s cute and loveable, but he’s as dimwitted as they come.

Santino Marella is the not only right for this part, he was born to play it.

 

Larry The Lobster

Larry is…well, a lobster, who works out and is obsessed with his physique.

He’s a likeable guy, but more than a little self absorbed, and at times a bit egotistical.

Batista, you have finally found the role you were meant to play. Triple H can’t take this one away from you.

 

Mister Krabs

Mister Krabs is the owner of The Krusty Krab, the restaurant that SpongeBob works in.

Krabs is a greedy, money grubbing guy who gets to sleep at night by counting dollar signs.

Vince McMahon is Mister Krabs. Enough said.

 

Plankton

Sheldon Plankton is a small, single celled organism who is Krabs’ business rival, and owner of The Chum Bucket restaurant. Plankton is a slimy little creature who spends every waking moment plotting and planning to steal Mister Krabs’ patty formula, which makes Krabs’ little eatery number one, overshadowing any competition.

Plankton has come close several times, but always comes up short, he’s just too small and too insignificant to do any real damage to his archrival.

Let’s see. A slimy little creature who’s trying to steal Vince’s formula for business, and who is too small and insignificant to do any real damage. Well, that sounds like Eric Bischoff to me.

 

Squidward Tentacles

Squidward Tentacles works at The Krusty Krab alongside SpongeBob.

Unlike Bob, Squidward isn’t very happy in his job and is forever wallowing in his own bitterness over not being able to do anything more in life.

He constantly talks about how talented he is in other areas, but at the end of the day he’s just a lowly working class guy. No matter what he does, Squidward just can’t win.

Drew McIntyre is the only guy for this part.

Hey, I think the guy has potential too, but until he shuts up and actually does something, he’s Squidward Tentacles.

 

SpongeBob SquarePants

Last but not least, we come to the hero of our story, and if you read the title of this piece, you already know my choice.

Cena is so much like SpongeBob, it’s eerie.

SpongeBob is a great guy, and kids love him.

He’s loyal to his friends, and he’s always got a smile on his face. He takes a carefree approach to life, and there’s nothing he loves more than going to work every day.

Whenever a crisis arises in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob is the first one to spring to action, facing down incredible odds, and most of the time no one believes in him.

But, he always saves the day in the end, much to the delight of little kids and preteens everywhere.

Like I said, eerie.

Well, there it is, the most useless column related to pro wrestling I have ever written. But, hey, I had fun, and hopefully, so did you.

And, for the last time, no, I do not have writer’s block.