2010 FIFA World Cup: North Korea Thrash Ivory Coast 30-0 (Satire)

Having beaten Brazil and Portugal 1-0 and 7-0 respectively, the glorious national football team of Korea DPR decided to give its people, and the World Cup, the dignity it deserved by thrashing the weak little Africans, Ivory Coast, 30-0 in Group G's most eagerly anticipated clash.

Over 10 billion people around the world tuned in as North Korea (as they're known outside our wonderful nation) decided not to hold back and show off their true potential.

Admittedly, the North Koreans could have scored more, but 30 goals was the limit set by the referee, sensing that striker duo Hong Yong-Jo and Jong Tae-se could've easily bagged 45 goals each and thus completely destroyed the morale of the weak little Africans.

Now, before we continue, some reports in the wicked west actually have the audacity to claim that the Ivory Coast won 3-0 thanks to goals from Yaya Toure, Romaric, and Salomon Kalou.

Dear leader Kim Jong-Il can personally declare and reassure our people that these reports are indeed completely false and without foundation.

If you wish to seek further clarification as to how the Pyongyang regime can confirm that those reports are false, Kim Jong-Il will personally ensure that you are permanently exiled from the country. 

Anyway, back to the match.

North Korea won 30-0, that's all you need to know. You don't need to know who scored, and you certainly don't need to see footage of the game which took place in the wicked west.

After the match, FIFA thanked our nation for this very kind gesture.

The governing body's president Sepp Blatter said, "We would like to thank North Korea for putting on a show and once again making this 2010 FIFA World Cup tournament really exciting."

"It's fantastic that a team as truly magnificent as North Korea has actually decided to accept our invitation to play here in South Africa."

"We will be forever grateful, and we're sure North Korea will go on to claim yet another World Cup trophy and show the world how great their nuclear programme is."

And Pyongyang media can confirm that Sepp Blatter did say this country has a great nuclear programme, contrary to wicked western reports stating he actually said "how great their football team is."

Of course, Sepp Blatter did not state how great our football team is, solely because there is no limit to the greatness of North Korean football.

In other news, we can again confirm that striker Jong Tae-se didn't cry during the national anthem (which according to dear leader Kim Jong-Il has reached No. 1 in the music charts in 179 countries worldwide).

Instead, he closed his eyes, imagining what Earth would be like if the North Korean politicians were as good at world domination as the footballers are.

I'm Yoos Offa-Rah, this is The Kim Jong-Il Times, thanks for reading, and remember, once you go nuclear, you don't go back!