2010 FIFA World Cup: It's Official, North Korea Beat Brazil 1-0 (Satire)

Yoosof Farah@@YoosofFarahSenior Writer IIIJune 15, 2010

The talk is done, the game's been played, and now it's all over: North Korea have officially beaten Brazil 1-0, the government can now confirm.

The match started off with a bang, as our beloved North Koreans made Brazil squirm, forcing their centre-back duo Juan and Lucio to sprint all over the pitch desperately trying to keep up with striker Jong Tae-se.

Before we continue, the Pyongyang regime can confirm Jong Tae-se did indeed cry during our nation's official anthem, which according to dear leader Kim Jong-Il has reached number one in the music charts in 179 countries worldwide.

Contrary to popular belief, Tae-se did not shed tears due to fear of being gunned down by North Korean snipers in the crowd if the team had lost, but rather because he was showing his thanks to dear Kim Jong-Il for giving him the opportunity to play at the World Cup.

Back to the match. Our players gave the Brazilians a lot of possession and time on the ball to give them the impression that they could actually get something out of the game and score a goal, but of course, we North Koreans are superhuman, so that would never have happened.

There were two occasions admittedly when Brazil did put the ball in the back of our net, but thankfully the referee saw sense and ruled out the goals.

You don't need to know why, but if for some strange reason you want clarification, Brazil are wicked westerners, that's all you need to know. If you want further clarification, Kim Jong-Il will personally ensure that you are permanently exiled from the country.

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Maicon and Elano were the silly opponents who dared to attempt scoring against our national sporting heroes, but of course they were instantly crushed by our superior defence.

It took North Korea until the 89th minute to stop teasing their opponents and finally decide they'll put the ball in the back of the net and score the match-winning goal.

Jong Tae-se played the ball through to Ji Yun-Nam, who scored the most sensational goal anybody will ever see in the whole history of world football.

It was a strike that sealed a routine 1-0 win for the North Koreans, who could've easily scored 20 or 30 more in that game, but did the right thing and kept the score low so as to maintain the credibility of the World Cup.

After the match, FIFA thanked our nation for this very kind gesture.

The governing body's president Sepp Blatter said, "We would like to thank North Korea very much for only beating Brazil 1-0."

North Korea go on top of Group G now with that win, maintaining their position as the best team in the world and getting their World Cup title defence off to a great start.

If you want to see highlights of the game, the five-second video clip is available on Pyongyang TV.