LeBron James to Sign with University of Kentucky Wildcats (Satire)

Lexington, KY—It looks like LeBron James will get his wish to play for a championship with John Calipari as his coach after all. 

According to league sources, the Cleveland Cavaliers' Danny Ferry and UK Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart have agreed on a sign-and-trade that will bring LeBron James to the University of Kentucky for three years with a player option for a fourth year in exchange for a lifetime supply of KFC “Double Down" sandwiches and the expiring contract of 42-year-old veteran actress Ashley Judd.

“You know,” said James, “I’ve always said that my main concern is with winning a championship, and I feel that going to play for Coach Calipari in the SEC will give me my best chance of doing so.”

Calipari had his eyes set on James all along.

“I knew that it was going to be difficult to get to the Final Four and lose this year, what with losing John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins to the draft,” said Calipari.

“So I knew what I had to do: break all the NCAA’s recruiting rules and go get an NBA player who could play both forward and point guard for us."

“I have watched a lot of tape on LeBron, mostly nationally televised NBA playoff games, and I have honestly never seen a player like him in the college game. His maturity level is just off the charts for a 25-year-old, seven-year NBA veteran who has won back-to-back MVPs."

“I knew that, if I could just get him to leave the NBA and come play for Kentucky, even if only for three or four years, I could make good on my promise to make Kentucky a national powerhouse again before I leave town under an impending cloud of NCAA sanctions.”

James, for his part, was equally impressed by Calipari.

“I spent a lot of time with Coach C after my colossal playoff flop against the Celtics, talking about his incredibly successful run with Nets and his Final Four appearances with UMass and Memphis. Just getting to sit near a guy who will literally do anything to almost win a championship that many times, man, it was humbling. I mean, he has coached in both the Atlantic 10 and Conference USA. I had to jump at the opportunity.”

According to sources close to the negotiations, the Kentucky deal materialized after a three-team sign-and-trade between the Nets, Clippers, and Cavaliers fell through.

Under the terms of that deal, the Nets would have received LeBron James, Usher, and the Clippers’ entire starting five, and the Cavaliers would have gotten Jay-Z, Devin Harris, and the expiring contracts of Brandy and Monica.

The Clippers would have received five of the Nets’ concessioners and $275,000.

As part of the terms of the agreement, James will reportedly have to pay back approximately $100-150 million to Gatorade, Nike, and State Farm Insurance, pass a physical, receive a passing score on the SAT or ACT, and sit out half of Kentucky’s upcoming season in order to regain his unused college eligibility.

It is believed that James’ deal will dwarf the $30,000 per year deal that O.J. Mayo signed with USC in 2007.

In related news, Danny Ferry announced that Shaquille O’Neal will return to the Cavaliers next year for the league minimum and the rights to the Cavs’ supply of “Double-Down” sandwiches.