NBA Free Agent Confessionals: Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors

Dear Journal,

What do I have to do to prove to people I’m just like the other guys?

We were all hired on the same day.

We were all even drafted in the top five.

I was even ahead of Dwyane!

I don’t see them making hilarious YouTube videos. Just silly T-Mobile commercials with Chuck.

Plus, I’m the King of Twitter nation!

112,000 followers!

Nobody can top that. No-bo-dy.

‘Bron doesn’t even have one. Says he’s “too busy” and “too focused.” Yeah? Well I didn’t blow a Game Five against the C’s, dude. You did.

I got to watch it from my 8,000 thread count plush fiber couch.

Oh, just looked it up. ‘Melo has 114,000 followers. Doesn’t matter, it’s close enough.

Damn.

Wade has over 300,000.

So he has T-Mobile and three times as many followers. And is in Miami. And I am in Canada.

It might be time to fix this.

Step one: call the Verizon people, show them what I got. Ahem… “Can you hear me now?”

Boom.

Step two: get the heck out of Toronto.

Alright, I know I’m the all-time leader in points, rebounds, blocks, double-doubles, free throws made AND attempted (who say’s I don’t drive to the hoop?), minutes played, and viral video views, but I sort of get the feeling that these Canadians are starting to give me some attitude.

I suppose it might have something to do with the fact that we’ve only won three playoff games since I started here. But come on. This is the same city that used to actually believe in Vince Carter. Their standards can’t be THAT high.

You know what? I’m not even ashamed to say that. I know this has been my city for the past seven years, but I think we’re both mutually ready to move on.

But where to?

I always dreamed of playing with Kevin Garnett when I was a kid. I wonder what it would be like to play in Boston. Can’t be colder than Toronto.

Hmm.

Well, now that I think of it, there really isn’t a spot for me there, anyway. Plus I don’t feel like being yelled at constantly by KG. He literally made Glen Davis cry once. I don’t need that kind of negative feedback in my life. I’m Chris Freakin’ Bosh. I have dreadlocks. I look like the Predator. I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. Well, I did in high school, anyway.

OK, Boston is out.

Maybe I should take a look at heading back to Texas. After all, I was the state’s Mr. Basketball back in the day.

I got a little taste of what it was like to be back in Big D at the All-Star game this year. That was pretty cool.

Eh, they did just get knocked out by a pretty sorry Spurs team, though. And Dirk might be leaving. There’s no incentive left if I can’t play with a German guy who is second in the league to yours truly when it comes to the best hair.

I feel like I’m running out of options.

If there were any teams willing to take on myself and one of the other three, that would be cool. But at the same time, I don’t want to play second fiddle anymore. I was the star of the show in Toronto, and still nobody noticed.

I need to breathe.

I need to spread my wings and fly.

I need...

I need to be a Hawk.

Wow, yeah. I never thought about it before. I need to play for the Atlanta Hawks.

Think about it.

They’re still missing that crucial piece. Which is clearly me.

Maybe I could even convince Joe to stay. Imagine that! Me and Joe Johnson!

And Josh and Al and…and…Zaza!

Freakin’ Zaza!

I can even go back and finish getting my degree at Tech like I’ve always wanted. Mom will be proud.

That’s it. It’s settled.

Atlanta it is.

-Chris