Reds, Ducks, and Alouettes, Oh My!: The 10 Wimpiest Team Names in Sports

Jordan VertoneAnalyst IJuly 18, 2008

My last countdown article http://bleacherreport.com/articles/37991-top-10-nhl-masks-of-all-time made for a good conversation piece, so I have decided to make another fun list for everyone to discuss whether they hate or love it.  The topic of choice this week is the "Top 10 Wimpiest Team Names in Sports."

10. Penguins (Pittsburgh—NHL)

Pittsburgh makes No. 10 on my list with their NHL team.  From what I know about Penguins (which is not too much), they are not a mean nor fierce animal.  In fact, I'd love to have a penguin for a pet—I think that would be pretty sweet.

The reason they're not closer to the top of the list is because the Penguins are able to withstand the harsh, cold winters down in the Antarctic, unlike other birds (penguins are a bird right? kind of?), like a duck who is not mighty.

Is that foreshadowing?  Keep reading to find out.

9. Cardinals (Arizona, St. Louis—NFL, MLB)

No. 9 was formerly the Browns.  However, while the name does sound wimpy, the Browns fans did give me some info that made me decide that it doesn't deserve the top ten.  So I went with the name Cardinals.

What's up with this?  There's a team named the Cardinals in both the MLB and NFL.  Can't we think of other names for a team other than this wimpy bird?  So I definitely think that Arizona and St. Louis deserve to make my team over Cleveland!

8. Reds (Cincinnati—MLB)

Well, I had to do some research on this team to find out what the heck a Red is.  I thought it might be a bird to add to the bird family living within MLB.  But I learned something today.  It turns out they used to be called the Red Stockings.  The fact that their name comes from a word like stockings get them into the eighth spot on my list.

Yes, the Red Sox got their name from the Red Stockings, but the Red Sox don't make my list, because Sox spelled with an "X" is pretty hardcore if you ask me.

7. Nuggets (Denver—NBA)

Nuggets.  As in chicken nuggets or what?  I honestly tried pretty hard (okay, not too hard) to find out the meaning of where the term comes from, and I found it was from the gold mines, golden nuggets, and such.  Although it's referring to gold, and that's pretty awesome stuff, it will remain on my list.

So if there are any Nugget fans out there who want to defend their team, go right ahead!  Until then, I'm just going to believe that Denver has one heck of a lot of McDonald's in their state, so much that they named their NBA franchise after them, since that's more funny then gold.

6. Jazz (Utah—NBA)

Named after a type of music that is known to be really laid back and not crazy makes me think that this basketball team must have a mellow attitude.  I mean, if this was in New Orleans (which it once was), I probably wouldn't make fun of it as much because it makes sense.  Although it would still be wimpy, it would still make sense!

However, it's wimpy and not really in a Jazz city, so it makes my list at No. 6.

5. Ducks (Anaheim—NHL)

I don't believe I have any reason to fear the animal known as the duck.  They were once mighty and feared, but now that they're only the Ducks, it's quite laughable.  They won the Stanley Cup as the Ducks—only the Ducks.  So now I can make fun of all the other NHL teams for letting the Ducks beat them!

No, just kidding.  They usually have a pretty good team, but they do play under a wimpy name.

4. Dolphins (Miami—NFL)

This one was a difficult one for me because I like Dolphins, and I know they are strong, smart, and can beat up on sharks.  However, the name of Dolphin does not make you think those things.  It makes you think of nice and gentle...which you don't want from an NFL team.

Last year they played like a stereotypical dolphin, as they were the worst team in the league.  So that is why they make my list of wimpy names.

3. Orioles (Baltimore—MLB)

How can I have a list of wimpy names and not have at least two of the birds from the many in the MLB?  So of all the teams named after birds in baseball, I picked the Oriole as the wimpiest.  I gave them a chance—I looked up the birds and I found this one to be the most un-manly of them all.

So how about Baltimore relocates into the slow-pitch softball league?  Only kidding.  Sorry for picking on you Baltimore, but one of the birds had to take one for the team.

2. Alouettes (Montreal—CFL)

Now I know most of the Americans probably won't even know of this team.  They are from the Canadian Football League and have one of the most sissy names I have heard of in sports and needed to be put on my list.

I love going to the Bomber games in Winnipeg and having everyone in the stadium cheer, "OHH I'd rather be a bomber than an (expletive) Alouette" in the tune of the famous Alouette children song.  A terrible name that could've been No. 1, but I decided against it.

Now lets get on to the No. 1 PICK.


1. Angels (Los Angeles of Anaheim—MLB)

Before I get into explaining my pick, I'm just going to say that I almost didn't use this one because the names of the cities take too long to write.  I mean, do I have to explain why I chose this one to be my No. 1 selection?

Angels—it's a very wimpy name.  Angels are messengers of the almighty God, but they do not have the power of the Lord. Although angels can be frightning and powerful in their own way it just sounds peaceful, nice, and all that it takes to become No. 1 on my list of the Wimpiest Names.

So there goes my hobby for the day because it took me all day.  Hope you enjoyed it, and I can't wait to hear everyone disagree with all of my decisions!  So leave comments and have fun reading it over again and again.

Honorable Mention:

Browns (Cleveland—NFL)

Originally on my top ten list, the Browns were replaced by a more sissy name with the Cardinals. The name Browns comes from coach Paul Brown, and although that's kinda cool, the name of their football team is still Browns, and that's quite lame.

North Stars (Minnesota—NHL)

This wimpy team name almost made my list as the replacement for the Browns, but I decided to give them a break.  It doesn't sound wimpier than Cardinals, and when they got a new NHL team, they changed their team name to the Wild (which is a pretty awesome name).


The latest in the sports world, emailed daily.