Anderson Varejao: A Love/Hate Relationship

With the exception of any member of the Lakers and Joakim Noah, Anderson Varejao is the most infuriating player in the NBA. This is a compliment because that is what he strives to be. There are so many different reasons to hate him, it’s ridiculous.

And he loves it.

I hate him because he can’t shoot, can’t score with ease, has minimal natural talent and pedestrian passing abilities, yet he always burns the Celtics.

Always. 

I hate his ugly hair. The Sideshow Bob comparison is insulting to Simpson’s animators (and Kelsey Grammer). Despite the fact that he'll earn $7 million next year, I would gladly pay for him to get a hair cut.  

I hate him because he flops. The guy is 6’11”, 260 pounds and he takes charges against guards like Kirk Hinrich. That simply can’t happen. That’s not physically possible. They make NBA refs take physics classes, right?

I hate him because, despite his flopping antics, anytime he is whistled for a foul he throws his hands up in disgust and pleads with the ref as if he were just sentenced to death. He’s valedictorian of Pau Gasol’s “Whining Academy” and plays Little John to the Robin Hood of flopping, Manu Ginobili.

I hate him because he can body check Ray Allen into the stands and not get a flagrant. At the same time, if someone breaths on No. 23 LeBron’s at the free throw line shooting two.

I hate him because he’s dirty. But he’s also intelligent. He tricks more emotional, less intelligent guys like Kendrick Perkins into foolish fouls and techs. He’ll throw an elbow, take the retaliatory elbow from Perk, throw his head back, and Perk has another T.

I hate him because he loves the fact that players hate him. He is able to affect games by frustrating players. The guy simply has a ridiculous energy level and only the most competitive players can match it. Everyone else just gets frustrated.

I hate him because he pushed Ray Allen to the point of elbowing him in the groin. I always thought Ray had more class then that. (Actually, Ray’s also been whining quite a bit lately, too).

I hate him because he held out from Cleveland and it continued to surface on SportsCenter for much of the summer of 2007. Not as bad as Brett Favre (who continues to ruin my summer SportsCenter), but it was still annoying.

I hate him because Mike Brown finally figured out that he is better then Žydrūnas Ilgauskas. Now Celtic bigs need to actively cover him and worry about where he is on the court. All Big Z did was take 18-foot jumpers. Varejao crashes the boards, sets tough picks, and drives to the hoop.

I hate him because he’s obnoxious. He yells, grimaces, flops, and whines about every call. Almost as obnoxious as Garnett’s constant swearing or Mark Cuban in general.

I hate him because that just reminded me about how pathetic the Mavs are, even though I pull for them every year. The NBA’s Shakespearean tragedy. Now they want to re-sign Brendan Heywood to “shore up” their middle. Poor Dirk.

I hate Anderson Varejao because he is the polar opposite of Rasheed Wallace. Talented, over-confident, slothful big who refuses to rebound vs. a humble, hustle-his-ass off player who battles for every rebound and loose ball. Advantage: Cavs.

I hate him because he’s useless in NBA Live. Any year. He’s also useless in fantasy. His game is ugly, and so are his numbers.

I hate him because all this means is that he does the little things to win. There is no statistic for hustle or energy.

I hate him because no one on the Celtics looks like they care about a playoff game as much as he cares about a preseason game. He gives phenomenal effort and plays inspiring basketball.

I hate him because he can abuse every Celtic big down low if he tries (which he always does. As hard as he can. Did I mention that?), including Garnett. Especially Glen Davis.

I hate him because every time he comes into the game, you’re saying to yourself “Crap, a couple of hustle plays and the Cavs could go on a 10-0 run.” That doesn’t even include the LeBron James “takeover” factor.

I hate his legs. They look so non-athletic. Oh wait, he’s not athletic at all. Too bad he’s still better then Rasheed. And cheaper.

I hate him because he is the exact player I want on my team. He hustles as hard as he can and he is a great teammate and an exciting player that loves his fans. I hate him because he is less talented than my team’s players but still beats them with intelligence and hustle. He brings the kind of energy every coach dreams of … but Danny Ainge ignores.

I hate him because if the Celtics were to sign him, I would love him.