Jesus Freakin': Tim Tebow Is a First-Rounder!

The Denver Broncos made arguably the most surprising pick in last week’s NFL draft, taking Florida quarterback Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the first round. Was Tebow worthy of such a high pick, or were the Broncos influenced by a higher power to draft the "Holy Knight?"

There is no earthly explanation as to why Denver chose Tebow so early, when, chances are, he would have been available later, and at a cheaper price.

The Broncos forsook second, third, and fourth-round picks to the Ravens for Baltimore’s first-round selection. It appears that in order to obtain a player they considered a ‘horse,’ Denver brass were, indeed, wearing their “blinders.”

Since there’s no earthly explanation for Denver's choice, we must look toward the heavens for an answer, because it seems that the Broncos selection of Tebow was a case of divine intervention.

Did God himself alter the course of the NFL draft because He wanted Tebow to become a Bronco? Was His only Son present when Denver made their fateful pick? Of course He was. How else can one explain the fact that upon learning of the Broncos selection of Tebow, most observers exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” That was no coincidence.

Others stunned by Denver’s choice labeled the pick “God-awful.” Those people are going to hell.

Anyway, in the eyes of the Broncos, it was a holy "land."

It makes little sense that the Broncos would suddenly trade up to draft Tebow, when most draft projections had him as a second- or third-round pick. Why the sudden rise in Tebow’s draft stock?

Did Denver head coach Josh McDaniels receive a “hot tip” from someone, or something , say, a burning bush, maybe? Did he receive a sign from God, perhaps a Tebow-shaped cloud in the blue Denver sky? Or, did the marquee at a local church with the bible verse, “Tebow 4: 3 of Baltimore’s Picks” grab his attention?

Tebow became a first-round surprise, and many onlookers, much like those who witnessed Jesus on that very first Easter, were left mouths agape, uttering “He is risen!” and, keeping with the Easter theme, the Broncos placed “all their eggs in one basket.”

Ironically, Denver was victimized by something that the righteous Tebow has spent much of his adult life avoiding—temptation. Let’s just say the Denver front office fell victim to a case of “Tim -tation.” Oddly enough, it wasn’t the devil’s work. Tebow came to the Broncos clearly at the behest of God.

With incumbent Kyle Orton set as the starter and Brady Quinn an offseason acquisition, it would appear that the quarterback position would have been low on the Broncos priority list.

And what must the drafting of Tebow say of the Broncos confidence in Quinn. Quinn’s presence as Denver’s second-string quarterback should serve more as a boost to Tebow’s confidence than to that of Quinn.

Or does it? Did the Broncos draft Tebow for the sake of Quinn? Some of Quinn’s best football was played in the shadow of Jesus, “Touchdown Jesus,” that is. Could playing in front of Tebow, a real life “Touchdown Jesus,” turn Quinn’s heretofore mediocre career around? God only knows.

And Orton was never anyone’s idea of a long-term solution at quarterback, anyway. Tebow’s selection would seem to support that notion.

It’s obvious the big man upstairs sees a lot of similarities between his only son and Tebow. Jesus Christ walked on water; Tim Tebow ran on a swamp. Jesus came back from the dead; Tebow came back for his senior year. Jesus exorcised demons; Tebow exercised abstinence.

Both have their share of believers and non-believers. And now, Tebow’s followers, like Jesus Christ’s, will congregate on Sundays to hail his praises.

And while Jesus never displayed bible verses on his eye black, he did the next best thing—he quoted them.

So, it’s no wonder God would want Tebow near. That’s why Denver was the most immaculate destination for Tebow—in the Mile High City, he’s that much closer to heaven. Tebow is slowly gravitating closer to God, while Ben Roethlisberger is inching closer and closer to the almighty Satan.

By no means am I suggesting that Tim Tebow is the second coming of Jesus Christ. On the contrary, Jesus Christ was a superstar. And His mechanics didn’t need retooling. Didn’t you hear—Jesus tossed a perfect spiral when he threw Lucifer from Heaven.

For the last two years, McDaniels has been trying his damnedest to rid Denver of players whose un-Christian behaviors have clashed with his own principles. Talented players like Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall have been cast from the Mile High City. “Get the ‘hell’ out of Denver” is not just an order, it’s a philosophy.

To further his “character first, talent second” agenda, McDaniels jettisoned two “hell raisers,” and has incorporated a bible-thumping “hell razer ,” Tebow, to give his team a “new testament” to team chemistry.

That’s an honorable methodology employed by McDaniels, but it doesn’t necessarily make the Broncos a better team.

Off the field, they are a much better team. Gone are the “demon seed,” Cutler and Marshall, who made plays on the field but sorely lacked Tebow’s natural ability to bring a team together. Maybe Tebow can’t turn water into wine, or anything into wine, for that matter. But that’s okay. That makes him the total opposite of Cutler and Marshall, who turned everything into “whine.”

Assuming Tebow learns the Denver playbook as well as he knows scripture, will he see significant time at quarterback? It’s possible.

Most likely, Tebow will initially be groomed to administer the Broncos version of the “wildcat” offense, often called the “wild horse” in Denver. Maybe Tebow’s first order of business will be to rename the “wild horse” the “crazy horse,” or something even more creative, like the “single wing and a prayer,” or “The Tim -porary.”

Tebow will play. His size alone makes him an asset on offense. At 6’3” and 240 pounds, Tebow is as big as most NFL fullbacks. Those measurements are of biblical proportions.

He won’t lead the team in touchdowns or any major statistical category. He will lead the team in prayer, however. And, in the Broncos two meetings with hated AFC West rival San Diego, Tebow will bring a world of experience to the task of “shouting at the devil,” Charger quarterback Philip Rivers.

Regardless of what he does on the field, Tebow will have a positive impact on the team and the Denver community. He’ll be worshipped, somewhat like a false idol, and his work ethic will be an inspiration to players and fans alike.

He’ll be a trail blazer—on the inspirational speaker circuit. And, he’ll be a constant reminder to local schoolchildren of the perils of the pleasures of the flesh. It’s a role Travis Henry excelled in; Tebow will take it to a new level.

He'll have throngs of followers, not just on Twitter, thus earning the nickname "The Pious Piper."

Financially, Tebow’s impact is already being felt. His No. 15 jersey is easily the top seller among NFL rookies. Tebow jerseys are flying off retailers racks, prompting frequent restocking, a phenomenon known in the Broncos pro shop as being “hung like a horse.”

The popularity of the Tebow jersey raises an interesting scenario, one which Vegas oddsmaker will certainly weigh in on. What happens first—a Tebow touchdown, or a perpetrator wearing a Tebow jersey is arrested on Cops or another law enforcement-related show?

Assuming Tebow does score a touchdown, it may go down as one of the most defining moments in NFL history, one in which a player thanks God for something for which God is actaully responsible .

And for that, you've got to give Tebow a big "Hell yeah!"