Sunday Afternoon Quarterback: A Story Worth of Links

There has been so much going on around the sporting world over the past few weeks—and such an influx of links—that they deserve their own blog post.

Since I last posted, Stephon Marbury has created a Telenovela-like situation with some South African celebrity rumored to be working as his nanny, criticized tennis star Venus Williams for not joining the monopoly he’s creating in the affordable shoe market, threatened to dish out some dirty laundry on Isiah Thomas, and even got fined $180,000 for opting to take a nap instead of showing up to a game.

But that is neither here nor there, and I’ll try to give you some reasons why you should actually love sports—especially college sports. 

I mean, where else will you see a sign like "My Boyfriend Wants Me to Have Pat White’s Baby"? 

Even Starbury can’t think of crazy stuff like that—at least, all of the time. 

So, without further ado, here are some links you missed while you were hopefully doing something better with your life:

Since I have to gloat about my team and I want you all to get into the mood, Ohio State Pwns N00Bs over Michigan and Lloyd Carr. 

While the win over Michigan was unspectacular and excruciatingly boring to watch, it feels especially gratifying to beat guys like Michigan's Mario Manningham, an Ohio native and representative turncoat.

Lesson #67 in the karmic cycle of affairs amongst the college football gods: If you are being recruited by your in-state school, it is recommended that you go to your Big State University (BSU), but it is certainly permissible to go somewhere else for academic/social/spiritual purposes—provided that you don’t jump ship to a rival school of BSU (i.e. you were being recruited by Georgia and at the last minute decided to play for Urban Meyer and the Florida Tim Tebows). 

Manningham is one of the best receivers in the NCAA and will probably have a solid career in the NFL, but please, don’t mess with karma, bro.

Besides Manningham’s and Michigan’s loss, there is another reason why you want to go to OSU when choosing a college: Where else other than The Ohio State University could you have a guy like Ron Jeremy speak at a panel without taking his clothes off?

Up until OSU’s ugly 14-3 victory over Michigan, things weren’t looking too great for the Buckeyes.  Aside from the fact that they lost to the "Fighting Zookers," as CBS announcer Tim Brando kept calling them, AOL Fanhouse made a song dedicated to the team’s plight: O-H I-Oh Damn!

In addition to the realization that even the best football teams in the Big Ten aren’t really all that great, Big Ten basketball isn’t doing so well either.  Not only did the conference favorite (Michigan State) lose to Grand Valley State, but the Buckeyes' basketball team found a way to lose to the Division II Finday (OH) Oilers.

But the Michigan win got me back in the mood.  Oh, and so did some good ol' Ohio State Rap—clearly much better than OSU's Sleepy Rappers, but not exactly reaching the level of Kanye West or Jay-Z just yet.

A couple of weeks ago, I complained about the Big Ten Network ruining my weekend because I couldn’t watch the Ohio State-Wisconsin game (my cable provider, as well as many others, doesn’t carry the BTN).

While it tuned out to be a non-issue when OSU won by more than three touchdowns, something should be done to correct the problem.

While some Wisconsin fans reverted to watching the game on the big screen, there may be a long-term solution to this problem on the horizon.  A few Wisconsin lawmakers with a little time on their hands have proposed a bipartisan bill in Congress directed toward eliminating blackouts of Wisconsin Badgers and Green Bay Packers games. Fight the establishment, Wisconsin! Er, something like that.

So this guy with a blog called Football Jesus keeps track of the best signs at ESPN College Gameday every weekend.  This past Saturday, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, and Chris Fowler were at Michigan to watch two sputtering, almost-prehistorically "traditional" offenses score 17 points combined in a game that was dominated more by the sloppiness of the field than by great defense. 

But, there were some pretty good Gameday signs—including two of my personal favorites: "We Need a New Carr with Les Miles" and "Jim Tressel Drinks Bubble Tea."

Here are also the best Signs at Eugene, Happy Valley, and the best-named school in America, Williams College.

In South Bend, pretty much everything negative that could be said about Charlie Weis has been said.  So instead of focusing on the negatives, like calling Weis the world’s highest-paid intern, we should focus on the fact that Coach Weis truly loves our country.  How so?  Well, losing to both of the service academies on Notre Dame’s schedule (Navy & Air Force) proves that Charlie Weis Supports Our Troops.  In a time of struggle, it’s reassuring that he so selflessly lost to these teams.

Speaking of teams that Notre Dame may or may not have beaten, let’s relive Navy’s epic upset over Notre Dame—which earned the Academy a day off.  Let’s also take a look at the Duke Super Bowl, where we can’t really feel all too bad about Duke losing, because Duke fans are rich, preppy, obnoxious, blue people from New Jersey.

I have exhausted pretty much every justification and rationale to explain how the Kansas Jayhawks have gotten to 11-0.  Surely they’ve had an easy schedule, but unless you’re the Hawaii (Rainbow) Warriors or playing teams at the same caliber as Dillon High—led by the indefatigable coach Eric Taylor—going 11-0 is no easy feat.  The only reason they are so good—other than this crazy Kansas fan known as "White Owl"—must be head coach Mark Mangino.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a photo gallery of this massively monstrous myth of a mammoth man who marauds the sidelines looking for his next meal. "Meat is on the menu, boys, and milkshakes are on the house!"  Also, to accurately assess the girth of such a large human being, one only has to look at the size of his briefs.

Among the coaching ranks, here is some obligatory Nick Saban Hate, because a $4 million man deserves to be made fun of for losing to Louisiana Monroe!  First, Nick Saban as Forrest Gump, with all of the cowardice and none of the redeeming qualities (scroll to the graphic at the bottom of the post).  Next, being like Saban is also terrible for your electoral chances, as evidenced by this negative "Flip-flop Like Saban" political ad.

Not as popular—but just as potent—Houston Nutt Hate is in full effect as the season closes and rumors of the coach’s termination are spreading like wildfire.  For example, this one particular Arkansas Razorbacks fan would rather destroy his tickets than watch Houston Nutt on the sidelines.

At least Nutt hasn’t resoted to giving the finger to opposing coaches like Wyoming's Joe Glenn did to Utah’s Kyle Whittingham.  Now, maybe Utah didn’t have to go for an onside kick while leading 43-0, but Coach Glenn didn’t have to guarantee a victory for Wyoming before the game.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, where there is evil some good must emerge from the flames.  Enter Missouri head coach Gary Pinkel, who is classy and hates running up the score; too bad Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan doesn’t adhere to the same standards of dignity.

At this point in the season, Nebraska fans are starting to lose their minds.  Viewers should be provided with a disclaimer before watching Bill Callahan attempt to engineer his team’s offense with an outdated football scheme. "Warning: Please Don’t Drink and Watch Bill Callahan Coach Your Team," or you’ll end up like this girl. Not only are Husker fans on the verge of insanity due to Callahan’s ineptitude, they are also threatening to kill the defensive coordinator.

With all of the trials and transgressions going on in Husker Nation, please don’t feel bad for injured senior quarterback Sam Keller.  Keller and his girlfriend seem to be getting along just fine.

The collegiate and professional ranks are now opening up much more to the Jewish population.  Not only are some college mascots adopting a Jewish theme, but there are now Hebrew-inspired t-shirts and hats of your favorite Major League sports team.

Reason #256 why Cal-Berkeley is a nerd school: check out the video game-themed marching band halftime show.
 
Quick Hits:

UT fan robs bank, holds baby in the process.
USC girls have crass sense of humor, and are hot.
Oregon State QB Lyle Moeavo loves to pancake.
How to be a college football fanatic.
Colt Brennan meets Marcus Riley.
My excuse to knock on Skip Bayless.
Mark Sanchez has a pet snake.
This Chiefs fan is the king of mullets.
No matter how bad of a day you’re having, at least you’re doing better than Kirby Freeman.

I promise this is the last time I link to a Soulja Boy-inspired dance—which hopefully from this time forth will rot and die in a cavernous abyss—but this was too good to pass up.  Longtime CBS announcers Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson attempted to "Crank Dat" in the booth after seeing Georgia running backs Thomas Brown and Knowshon Moreno do it on the sidelines.

Speaking of sportscasters, vote for America’s sexiest sportscaster today.

Ah, the prophetic Lou Holtz.  When ESPN studio analyst and former head coach Lou Holtz isn’t being The Amazing Kreskin, he’s giving "inspirational" speeches he would use if he were the Head Coach.  It’s all hypothetical like O.J. Simpson, but it’s always fun to see Lou Holtz pep talks. 

"You wanna be happy for a day? Eat a steak."
"You wanna be happy for three days? Buy a car."
"You wanna be happy for a week? Take a cruise!"
"You wanna be happy for a year? Win the lottery!"
 

Speaking of slightly misguided statements in sports broadcasting, highly-respected announcer Rece Davis recently alluded to the fact that Ron Zook’s old mustache would've served him well in the porn industry had he not chosen to coach.

From the NFL: Everyone was in such disbelief after Adam Vinatieri missed a game-winning field goal that even the announcer got the call egregiously wrong.

In case you missed it (or just want to see it in its awesome glory again), watch Detroit Lions 340-pound defensive tackle Shaun Rogers rumble, bumble, stumble, and stiff arm someone on the way to his improbable 66-yard interception return for a touchdown.

Finally, here are five comparisons of college head coaches to former presidents.  My favorite is probably Houston Nutt and Andrew Jackson, both being crazy, aggressive, and somewhat countercultural southerners.  But I think they missed one.  What about Ed Orgeron as George W. Bush??

“YAW YAW YAW THE IRAQ!”