Brett Favre and Alex Rodriguez: Certain Things Have Come to Light

To paraphrase The Big Lebowski, the greatest movie of our time…

Bleacher Report: What in God’s holy name are you blathering about?

        I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about…I’ve got information, man…and new things have come to light!

BR:…?

         Look at it! Aging, iconic quarterback, in the parlance of our times…you know, the clock is ticking on his time in the spotlight…I’m saying he needs fame! Man, and just playing, well that doesn’t get it…he wants more!

BR:…?

         He’s got to feed the monkey!

 BR:…?

         Hasn’t that ever occurred to you, man?

National media: No, Mr. Ohlstrom, that had not occurred to me.

BR: That had not occurred to us, Rob.

Well…hey, you guys aren’t privy to all the new things, but hey, you know…that’s what you pay me for…

To ESPN, sports fans everywhere, and Brett Favre: I’m so sick of this story. Favre has been hemming and hawing about retirement for the past FIVE years so his name stays in the press. He had a deal to come back in March with the team and he backed out at the last minute.

Now he wants an unconditional release so he can join the Bears and stab the fine city of Green Bay in the back. Fortunately, the Packers refused to cut him, but now if they keep him he’ll undermine Aaron Rodgers, the team, and ultimately the city.

What a scumbag. I’m so sick of seeing him on the front page of every major media outlet day after day. He can’t even do an interview with an actual sports reporter; he goes to Greta Van Susteren. What a match made in heaven that must have been.

DAMN YOUR BLACK HEART, BRETT FAVRE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

You know what else? I don’t want to hear any play-by-play guys gush over how “Brett Favre loves the game of football.” I don’t want to hear it. He is the most overrated quarterback in the history of the game, and his time has come and gone.

Go away.

Stop writing about him.

I’m talking to you too, BR's. You know who you are. We don’t need any more Brett Favre articles around here!

Lord, you can imagine where it goes from here.

He fixes the cable?

To Alex Rodriguez and Madonna. Let me get this straight. Madonna realizes that she’s married to a one-trick pony who’s specialty is directing sickeningly slick shining pieces of crap, sees her new album tank (Did you know she had a new album until she hooked up with A-Rod? I didn’t), and suddenly drops him for Rodriguez, who has to be the biggest piece of trash-lapping scum this side of Brett Favre.

Are you kidding me?

Now in A-Rod’s defense, the media jumps on everything he does. When everyone in the country was hooked on Texas hold 'em, he got busted at a club in New York, and the media vilified him for something everyone was doing.

But c’mon A-Rod, you’re married, she’s married…I know you’re a Yankee, but can I get a little dignity, please?

What’s next, allegations that he makes himself cry like Will in The Real World?

Well, I guess we can close the file on that one…