Houston Astros Ready to Compete—for Last Place

If you’re a Houston Astros fan like me, you have to be feeling pretty lousy right now.

The 2010 squad is off to a dismal 0-3 start, Lance Berkman has a bad knee, and aside from Carlos Lee, I can’t see many players in the starting lineup who will cause N.L. pitchers to quake in their cleats. Michael Bourn, Hunter Pence, Pedro Feliz, Tommy Manzella, Kaz Matsui, Jeff Keppinger, Geoff Blum, J. R. Towles, Humberto Quintero...

Hmm. Forgive me for asking this, but are there any Astros fans out there who are pumped-up about this season?

Houston’s starting rotation, headed by Roy Oswalt, once again looks pretty iffy. My apologies to Wandy Rodriguez, Brett Myers, and the other starters. I guess they’re decent. Oswalt is obviously outstanding when he’s healthy, and Rodriguez pitched very well last season, but. . . Hmm. I’m not quite ready for season tickets.

I wonder why Brad Mills agreed to manage this team. Sure, at the end of his life he’ll get to say he was a skipper in the Majors, but unless his roster is overhauled—and very quickly!—I don’t see how he can last very long in Houston.

My team has played only three games, and I already feel hopeless. There are 159 games left. Hideous win-loss possibilities are circulating in my brain: 62-100? 52-110? All right, maybe I’m being a little too negative here, but you know you’re looking at a bad year when a .500 record sounds outstanding.

To all of my fellow Astros fans, I’m truly sorry if I’ve offended you. I love the Astros. I will hope for the best this season. I will take solace in small “positives,” such as good individual performances and opportunities to spoil other teams’ playoff hopes. Yet, when in early October I’m looking back on another season, I fear that my brother’s name for my favorite team will fit perfectly:

The DisAstros.

Does anyone know if Nolan Ryan, Mike Scott, J. R. Richard, and Jimmy Wynn are interested in coming out of retirement?