Tiger Executes Ultimate Compromise

I was sitting at my desk at the JoeSportFan nerve center while weaving through my favorite online portals — RedTube, the United Karate Kid Haircut Association, and the like — when I was struck by an image of Eldrick “Tiger” Woods as he prepares to make his golf comeback at The Masters.

In fact, I was more than struck. I nearly gagged on the American Spirits Menthol 100 I was puffing as I realized he was wearing a goatee.

You see, as one of foremost experts in the world on facial hair and other worthless things, in the past you’ve read and enjoyed American Mustache Institute position papers about goatees — or what we consider to be the “spousal compromise.”

The spousal compromise, of course, involves growing out (diluting) our lip covering in order to satisfy whimsical females whose follies have typically driven the decision-making capacities of men. It’s when your wife, lover, or life partner says something akin to: “You know that I’ve always loved your mustache, but I fear the total awesomeness of it might be too much for me. I know how much you care about my well being, and I simply can’t handle all of that pleasure. Would you perhaps mind transitioning it into a goatee?”

Hence, the spousal compromise.

Of course, if there is anyone on God’s green earth who must demonstrate remorse, or a repentant willingness to bend over backwards for their spouse at this point and time — it’s Tiger.

But there must be a limit. One can only sacrifice their core values only so much. And I found myself screaming at my computer, “Come on man! Not that! Not there! Not now damn it!”

No, there’s a long list of places I might consider going in order to satisfy the whims of a scorned lover or dwarf, but what amounts to the ultimate spousal compromise, is not one of them. And I can only hope that Tiger reconsiders this tragedy of injustice and shaves his spousal compromise into a lip-sweatering instrument of adjudication.

Carry on.

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