Shut your pie hole, Facebook

Have you been on Facebook lately? Personally, I am considering enrolling myself in a 12 step program to wane me off of the broadband smack because the time I spend clicking through profiles of people I never talk to and reading statuses of which I could care less about is staggering. The latest addition to an already giant list of stalker-friendly applications is the “suggest” feature I’ve noticed popping up in my browser. “Reconnect with Mike,” Facebook says – go to hell you arrogant prick. What if I don’t like Mike? What if Mike slapped my mom in the face? There is probably a reason we are disconnected in the first place, jerk. I won’t tell you to send Tom at MySpace an email if you promise not to tell me to write on the wall of the guy who may or may not have struck my mother.

“Ask Jason to be your friend.” Who in the damn hell is Jason, and why should we be friends? Does Jason have something for me? Do I have something of Jason’s? How can I be sure Jason is not a psychopathic serial killer just waiting for Facebook to do his dirty recruiting work for him so he can prey on the unsuspecting and take advantage of their naiveness? No thanks, Facebook, and I would appreciate it if you kept your creepy serial killers away from my friends list from now on, numb nuts. I can appreciate the nature of your incredibly intrusive, privacy violating software but picking aimlessly through names of random friend’s friends is just lazy. If you really want to blow me away – suggest the winning powerball numbers or, maybe, somebody I at least vaguely know.

“Share the latest news, write on Mark’s wall.” Mark can shove the latest news directly into his ass. If I hadn’t, up to this point, shared any news with Mark (which is the reason he’s been selected) why would I start now? I struggle to keep my wife entertained with “news” on a daily basis, so what interesting nugget of enlightenment have I been saving for Mark? What if I share some less-than-stellar news with Mark and he laughs at me, scoffing at my inability to keep him entertained? That would be your fault, facebook, for having my proverbial parade of news reporting pissed on – leaving me ashamed and embarrassed for having taken orders from an algorithm. Besides, what if I wanted to send him a direct message? Who the hell are you to govern which method of delivery I choose to spread my uninspired, boring, embarrassing news with?

Stick to what you’re good at, Facebook. Continue to trick the feeble minded into surrendering their privacy by adding a bullshit application that tells them which song is the soundtrack for their life. Stay away from blindly suggesting me to become friends with people I’ve never seen or talk to people whom I hate and I’ll refrain from starting another annoying ”WE WANT A DISLIKE BUTTON!!!”  group. And for christ’s sake Facebook, I think it’s awfully convenient that the ‘privacy settings’ button gets harder and harder to find while your stupid nonsensical suggestions are always in plain sight. Make them relevant or make them worth while, and if you can’t do either – shut the hell up.