UFC 111 at The Local Theater: A Bad Venue Choice For Grandma Dee

March 27, 2010

Willow Knolls Theater, Peoria Illinois, late at night

Sierra Willis: Look Grandma, the theater is full! Aren't you glad that Grandpa sent Kodi and Steven ahead to save seats?

Grandma Dee: Oh my good Lord! We are so close to the screen...

Sierra: Well you always love to see Georges close up.

Grandma Dee: I enjoy seeing his shorts, not feeling like I am sitting between his legs!

Sierra (loudly): Grandma!!!

Grandma Dee: I didn't say anything naughty, Sierra, so cut me some slack. You know how I hate to leave the house.

Grandpa Mel (manipulating the wheelchair into a handicapped space between Kodi and Steven): There, closer than you could ever hope to be to your idol. I'm going to get some popcorn and drinks.

Grandma Dee: Nothing for me, I'd probably choke.

Steven: Just so Georges doesn't.

Kodi: Dad! He will probably choke Hardy out first thing.

Trevor: Look at me! I can "naked choke" just like Georges does!

Voice from the back of the theater: Just shut the f__k up!

Sierra (whispering): Some people are sooo rude!

Grandma: Shush, it's starting.

Loud booming opening music.

Grandma and her crowd holding hands over their ears: Good God!

Grandpa returns with popcorn and drinks to shouts of "Down in front!"

Grandpa (loudly): Can you hear anything?

Grandma Dee: Just you and the people yelling at you to sit down and shut up.

Grandpa: I have my hearing aides in...

Grandma Dee: Great!

Bruce Buffer makes the initial introductions in a booming, deafeningly loud voice and the crowd becomes abuzz with anticipation.

Steve Mazzagatti starts the match...

"GSP. . .GSP. . .GSP!" (the crowd is chanting).

Grandma Dee to Grandpa: Give me a drink of your coke, please.

Grandpa: I knew I should have gotten you one.

Grandma Dee: Sh! My mouth is dry...I am so nervous for Georges.

Voice from behind: "Will you folks shut up?!"

On the large screen there is a flurry of striking and the crowd starts jeering...Come on Georges...he's got nothing...Take him down...!

Trevor: Choke him Georges!

Steven: Quiet Trev. Georges knows what he's doing.

Kodi: Wow! Look at that whizzer...oh oh...sweep, sweep!

Sierra: Grandma, those ladies are talking about how tight Georges' shorts are and how much you can see through them!

Grandma Dee (swallowing hard): Mm hm.

All of a sudden a fight breaks out in the back of the theater and popcorn and soda come raining down on those in the front rows.

Grandma Dee: Oh, great! Just what we needed!

The noise from behind raises to a crescendo as people in front of the Willis contingency stand and turn to watch the drama unfolding from the rear.

Grandma Dee (to no one in particular): Damn it! I knew I should have watched at home!

Police enter and begin ushering the crowd out, evacuating those in wheelchairs first—namely, Grandma Dee.

Grandma Dee (protesting loud and long as she is being wheeled "out of harm's way" by a burly policeman): Wait a darn minute! Is it over yet? Who in the hell won? Grandpa? Kodi? Steven? Sierra? Trevor!

Now how am I suppose to get home from here?