MLB: Every Spring Training Game Recap (Satire)

In front of a sellout crowd of 10 and videotaped with a video camera from 1988, some player you actually heard of pitched two good innings, giving up just nine runs on 12 hits to go along with 10 walks. 

"I literally just threw fastballs over and over again," player you heard of said. "Wait, there's how many more spring training games?"

Pitching the other seven innings were players numbered 80 to 100 with one guy whose jersey simply said "Who cares?" on the back of it.

"We like what we are seeing," the manager said in a 14-5 loss. "The players are really progressing well, especially since they don't give a crap...that last part was off the record."

The leadoff hitter, who has three career home runs, hit two grandslams leading to rumors of steroid use and predictions of a 70-home run season. If he keeps this up, people are sure to overrate him before the season starts.

The players you heard of had a couple hits, but one went 0-for-3 leading the local newspaper to question the player's health and performance, further proving there is absolutely nothing to report on in February and the beginning of March, except of course the NFL which requires coverage 29 hours a day, 390 days a year.

"I had a tough day," 0-for-3 player said. "...you know what, screw it. It's spring training, guys, no one cares. I swung at nine pitches in my three at-bats because it was really damn hot, okay? There's a reason everyone simulates spring training in their video games."

Most importantly, no one you heard of got hurt.

You thought someone you heard of got hurt, but then you realized it was a different Santiago/Smith/Gonzalez/Castillo/Ramirez/Lee when you saw their No. 92 jersey.