Author's Note: This article (for humorous purposes only) has been created as a spoof of recent goings on which led to the demise of my previous article. This time, I'm actually trying to be an ass. So, feel free to hate.
Citing the previous mess that was made of my last piece, by overzealous detractors of his, I've decided to do what I do best and that's make fun of the situation. No one in life should take anything too seriously. We only live once.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon. WWE Chairman, former WWE Champion, multi-trillionaire; These are all words that come to mind when thinking of the ruthless "genetic jackhammer" who boasts grapefruits the size of raisins. But there is one particular title that not even the most devoted of wrestling fans could have seen coming.
Bleacher Report's Assistant Head of Rumor Verification, JB, was on scene in Brooklyn, New York with the breaking story.
JB was quoted as saying: "Yeah, McMahon has been cornered by New York City cops and has admitted to being a mob boss. He's been running an organized crime ring here, reminiscent of the Italian Mafia, for years."
JB, who has a wonderful reputation among several mature and civilized reporters here on Bleacher Report, delivered this story to my desk this morning, so naturally, I had to check it out.
JB's story checks out clean, just as all of the rumors reported on the Internet do. Despite the fact that the Internet is an unfailing source of truth and righteousness, I felt the need to verify the facts for myself as part of my job as B/R's Head of Rumor Verification.
I flew in today to get comments from the Godfather of the Board himself, Vinnie Mac, from his home in Greenwich, Connecticut. Vince was a bit reluctant to comment at first but after several shots of Jack Daniels, he was more that ready to open up.
"Yeah, I'm a crime boss. Did it ever surprise you? Jeff Hardy runs a drug ring, Michael Vick runs a cockfighting ring, I'm the head of organized crime in New York. It's not too hard to connect the dots, if you just do the math."
The comments were shocking and I added them to my mental list of things to report. Further inquiries by both JB and myself led to McMahon spilling a few more of his secrets. More, perhaps, than he intended to.
"Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, CM Punk, all these guys work in my ring. Ziggler's running a prostitution business on the corner of 5th and Main and McIntyre is my trusted mole in the NYC police department. Oh, and Punk is in charge of all the drug and alcohol smuggling that goes on at the harbor at the Long Island Sound."
Punk, the alcohol and drug supervisor? Who would've thought?
Of course, these are just a few of the many true and flawless stories reported on the world's most reliable source of news; The Internet.
The Internet is a grand marvel of stories, all of which have been scientifically and factually tested for their authenticity. Anyone who is not a believer of the Internet, whether it's related to wrestling or pop culture in general, is truly missing out.
"Yeah, the Internet is great. It lets me read up on all the personal information that goes on in Randy Orton's life. He's my favorite wrestler. I never knew he slept with a stuffed Ninja Turtle. It really helps me to accept him as a human being," said an anonymous Bleacher Report reader.
"I had no idea that CM Punk was a drug and alcohol supervisor. It's shocking but at the same time, it makes me realize that he's only human and he's prone to mistakes. I still want to be just like him," exclaimed a seven year old boy and follower of CM Punk's "Straightedge Society".
"WHOA! Calm down everyone...wouldn't want to upset Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman here...ONLY HE can talk trash about writers...no one else can in the comments of his articles and he WILL repost his article over and over again until all of you GET THAT. Why? Because he has nothing better to do with his time and he takes this too seriously. Way to set an example for the IWC, knucklehead," said a previously mentioned disgruntled journalist.
Judging by the responses of just these three people, you can clearly see which of them is a believer in the Internet and which of them is not.
One thing is for sure though: With Vince McMahon's startling ties to organized crime revealed, wrestling fans can only guess what piece of groundbreaking and 100% authentic information will be reported next.
Remember, you heard it here first, on the world's most reliable and foolproof source of news and information: The Internet.
Questions and comments may be left here. Remember kids, never doubt the Internet or the people that use it. It is the answer to all of our deepest and most profound questions.