Tiger Droppings, Feb. 12: Johnny Damon Reportedly Nearing Deal with Detroit

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Looks Like Jesus, Throws Like Mary...But He Isn’t Grandy!

This week’s Tiger news was dominated by the growing rumors that Johnny Damon will be the newest guy wearing the Old English D in 2010.

Sure, the Braves, Rays, and White Sox all have offered close to the same one-year/$4 million deal, but the Tigers continue to flash money like Pacman Jones in a strip club this offseason.

The latest reports from guys like Jon Heyman and Ken Rosenthal have the Tigers offering Damon one year/$7 million or two years/$14 million. We may have even agreed on a deal with him by the time you are reading this. That's how close it seems to be.

How does evil agent (and baby seal clubber) Scott Boras keep getting Mike Ilitch and Dave Dombrowski to seemingly overpay for his guys every year?

Boras: hey. workin?
Dombrowski: yup =[
Boras: sux i wanted another snow day :P
Dombrowski: me too =[[[
Boras: sooo u think im fat?
Dombrowski: nooooo! whatev!!!
Boras: lol thanx. btw jd still likes u. and hockey lolz
Dombrowski: omg that’s crazzzzy
Boras: no he said red wings rulz
Dombrowski: k. well mr i sez maybe $14 mil
Boras: wowww
Boras: how bout $18 mil
Dombrowski: dude yer gay
Boras: not kewl
Dombrowski: sorry
Boras: ill talk to jd again
Dombrowski: k hurry up
Boras: ummm how bout Sheff too????
Dombrowski: f u!!!!!!
Boras: lol k. team edward rulzzzzzzz!!!
Dombrowski: ugh...jacob is hawterrr.
Dombrowski: ttyl
Boras: seeya

I apologize. It worked last week.

Anyway, the biggest complaint I’ve seen and heard from Tiger writers, bloggers, and fans is quite simply: Johnny Damon is not Curtis Granderson. Everyone has yet to get over Grandy being shipped off to the Yanks in the offseason’s biggest trade.

As I’ve said before, I was and will remain a big Granderson fan. Much like Tony Romo in the NFL, Granderson consistently leads the league in smiles every year. But smiles don’t win ball games. Just look at the 2009 numbers, kids.

Granderson: .249 Avg, 30 HR, 71 RBI, .327 OBP, .780 OPS, 100 OPS+
Damon: .282 Avg, 24 HR, 82 RBI, .365 OBP, .854 OPS, 126 OPS+

Damon is the type of leadoff hitter that Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski wanted the stubborn Granderson to be last year.

I know, you want to blame the bandbox stadium that Johnny played in for his better numbers, but keep in mind that he was facing the Red Sox, Rays, and Blue Jays pitching staffs most of the time. Granderson was facing the Royals, Indians, and White Sox. That’s quite a difference in quality and pressure.

Damon also hit .269 with a .776 OPS against left-handed pitchers in 171 at-bats. Granderson hit .183 with a .484 OPS in 180 at-bats against lefties.

He might be older, but Johnny Damon is a better hitter than Curtis Granderson. As for defense? Sure, Damon’s not what he used to be. But Granderson isn’t the guy that robbed Grady Sizemore on every single play either. I’ll live with the trade-off. It’s not like Carlos Guillen, Ryan Raburn, Clete Thomas, or Don Kelly are going to win a Gold Glove in left for us.

By the way, Damon had six assists from the outfield last year. Granderson only had four.

Live with it. Granderson’s gone. Embrace your new hero, Johnny Damon. He just might lead us to the AL Central title this year, or more.

Oh, just one more thing on this. If he ends up signing with Atlanta or elsewhere, forget everything I just said. He sucks.

In Other News

- I Want My FSD

Fox Sports Detroit released their baseball schedule for the season. Overall, FSD will be showing 157 games, with another four being shown on Fox’s Saturday baseball broadcasts. That leaves one game out, which is the April 7 game against the Royals.

Really? The second game of the year, preempted for the crappy Red Wings or the crappier Pistons? Eat a dead dog’s ass, Fox Detroit!

More than likely, that means we can’t watch either Dreamboat Rick’s first start of the year, or even worse, the Tiger debut of Max Scherzer. It’s bad enough that we have to start the year getting shut out by Zack Greinke, but now we’re in the dark for Game Two? This is another reason why I’m an Avalanche and Bulls fan. It keeps things simple for my baseball watching.

On the bright side, FSD will be showing four spring games this year. Last year, I think we only got two. I know a lot of people get bored watching the preseason games, but not me. Remember, I live in Toledo. I like getting a peek at who I’m going to have to suffer through watching on my hometown Hens.

As far as I know, the FSD team will remain the same for this season. They are as follows.

Mario Impemba: Play by play, bad jokes, and awkward silences.
Rod Allen: Analysis, silliness, and the Rod Allen Drinking Game.
John Keating: Studio host, bad puns, matching tie and hanky.
Mickey York: Studio host, pompous attitude, Oscar nomination for The Wrestler.
Trevor Thompson: Postgame interviews, goofy smiles, only black guy from Canada references.
Ryan Field: Postgame activities, knowing winks, hair care tips.

Seriously, Ryan Field has the best hair on television. And did you know that he has won five Michigan Emmys? How is that possible? He’s only 19 years old! But that hair...I bet he spends five hours getting it to look like that.

- Classy Man Gets Classy Award

No jokes on this one, as always with The Great One. Ernie Harwell is being honored with the Vin Scully Lifetime Achievement Award in Sports Broadcasting by Fordham University on May 5 in New York. Ernie is the third man to win the award after Mr. Scully himself and CBS Sports’ Dick Enberg last year. No one deserves it more. Congrats, Ernie!

- Always A Tiger Updates via MLB Trade Rumors

Edwin Jackson and the Arizona Diamondbacks cannot agree on a deal and will be heading to arbitration. You see? Don’t ever question Double D! Jackson needed to go! He’s greedy and out for himself! Keep these selfish a-holes out of Detroit! Now back to that Johnny Damon fellow...

The Twins reached a deal with ex-Tiger failure Jacque Jones on a minor league deal. Really? Another lefty for the Twins? And a terrible one at that? 'Bout time. Then again, Jones has only played well in his career as a Twin. He might rub his bat on Joe Mauer’s sideburns and hit .400 this year. Why didn’t Bud Selig contract the Twins when he had a chance?

The New York Yankees (sigh) signed Marcus Thames to a minor league deal that will pay the big man $900K if he makes the team. Do any of you ever feel like you’re just trying to go to school and the big bully Yankees keep stealing your lunch money? No? I hate you people...

There’s word that the Royals are going to give Kyle Farnsworth a chance at being a starter this year. Talklasda;ghqewuioc.cgal;lkfagfiof;sdvmmaiv

...

Sorry. I had so many jokes come into my head at the same time that I think I may have had a stroke. Let’s take this puppy home.

But, Plugs

- Roar of the Tigers talks about Jeremy Bonderman’s new ugly tattoos. Now, dammit, this is all that idiot Brandon Inge’s fault. Bondo’s a moron and copied off Inge.

This is exactly why I liked having a prick like Gary Sheffield on the team. He wouldn’t have let this kind of crap go on. He would have ridiculed them and possibly have beaten them to death with a baseball bat for getting ugly tattoos like that. Lame.

And exactly who is the team leader now? Guillen? Magglio Ordonez? No one’s going to listen to them! I may hate Derek Jeter, but he wouldn’t have let Robinson Cano show up one day looking like a brain-damaged four-year-old scribbled all over him. Geez...

- John hasn’t quit on Motor City Bengals yet and gives a look at some other ex-Tigers and where they’ll be sucking in 2010. The Astros really gave Chris Shelton a deal? I thought he was retired and filming a part as Sloth in The Goonies 2.

- Ian Casselberry is a jerk sometimes. Just when I was getting over Game 163, he decides to help me go through it all over again. I used to like you, Ian. So, to answer your question: No. I haven't gotten over Game 163 yet. Thanks for asking.

- The Spotstarters put together a list of the Tigers All-Bum squad of the past 20 years. Inge at catcher? Check. Deivi Cruz at short? Oh, yeah. Nate at pitcher? Wait...no pitchers? Blake, I think your work is not done yet, my friend.

- Hotstove.com emailed Your Party Host and a few other bloggers for our thoughts on the Justin Verlander contract. Check out our responses here. Also, please note that I didn’t make any dumb jokes, curse, or embarrass myself in any way, unless you count my trademark run-on sentences and unnecessary commas.

Don’t worry, that changes this week as they have asked us our thoughts on if we think we’ve seen the best of Brandon Inge yet. Everyone’s thoughts should be up over there sometime after 5:00 Friday evening.

Pop quiz for you, kids. Which word did I use in my rambling answer to the Inge question?

A) Pathetic
B) Ridiculous
C) Overrated
D) All of the above

Here’s a hint: It’s D. If you didn’t know that, you haven’t been paying attention.