This Chris Berman story smells fishy, or maybe it's just him

First things first, we want to make one thing clear right from the get-go today: This Chris Berman-to-NFL Network story is, in all likelihood, a big stinkin’ pile of horse apples.

There, we said it. As excited as everyone seems to be about the possibility of America’s favorite blowhard taking his vaudeville act over to the NFL Network, this whole bit of nonsense seems way too contrived, and the timing seems way too convenient. To believe the story, one must believe that the boys over at The Big Lead just happened to “break” the story one day after the most-watched game in NFL history, thanks to a “source” who happened to float the tale just in time to take advantage of the Super Bowl’s media cycle. In other words, raise your hand if you think TBL’s “source” was either a) Berman himself; or b) Berman’s agent.

Now don’t get us wrong, we’re damn near giddy over the mere possibility that ESPN would rid itself of Berman’s tiresome act and endless stream of Three Dog Night references. But frankly, this whole scenario reeks of an agent trying to contrive competition in order to give a fading star some much-needed bargaining leverage. We’re gonna need to see a little steak before we get overly excited about the sizzle of this fanciful tale.

Oh, and then there’s the Eisen-Patrick factor. One columnist is already suggesting that a reunion of this three-headed monster wouldn’t necessarily be smiles and pats on the back.

Deadspin's fabled Longhorn Girl

On with today’s poopfest! …

• The young lady above? Well, you can thank Deadspin (or, at the very least, their horndog readership) for discovering this raven-haired lass. Apparently, she made quite an impression on some viewers during Monday’s Kansas-Texas game in Austin. (Deadspin)
• One columnist is very, very excited about minor league hockey in Oklahoma City (NewsOK)
• Rex Ryan swaps jersey, bares belly, sets off chain vomiting in Raleigh (The 700 Level)
• Man sets off stink bombs and fart spray in Wal-Mart. Strangely, most shoppers report shopping experience wasn’t all that different than normal (Kitsap Sun)
• Jennifer Aniston. Bikini. Thank us later. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Rachel Uchitel stars in today’s edition of “Bang a celebrity, get a better gig” (New York Post)
• Melissa Joan Hart + Joey Lawrence = ratings gold (TV Guide)
• In a stunning development, NCAA officials discover that on-campus summer tournaments aren’t necessarily on the up-and-up, officially making them the last people on earth to realize that on-campus summer tournaments aren’t on the up-and-up (SI/CNN)
• “OK, who invited the guy with the punctured testicle?” (KeysNet)
• Lenny Dykstra … birthday boy, renaissance man (Joe Sports Fan)