Being General Manager: What Goes On Inside the Head of an NBA GM

The NBA draft is known for head-scratching picks.

Long, consistent achievement at a high collegiate level is trumped instantly by a performance in a private workout, or a few inches of height.

Ever wonder what these NBA GMs are thinking when they made their picks?

Well, in true Being John Malcovich fashion, I have found a portal that leads straight to the heads of these NBA GMs. Here’s what was going through their minds when they made their picks.

New York Knicks President GM Donnie Walsh:

Since Isiah Thomas finally got the boot, it’s a new day in New York. Afterall, I’ve actually won “Executive of the Year.”

I’m known for turning around franchises by making sound decisions and shrewd personnel moves. Knicks fans have greeted me with open arms from Day One. They’re sure that their days of despair are over.

For the first time in years, Knicks fans have reason to hope...Yeah, I better nip all of that in the bud.

Results: With the 6th pick in the NBA draft, the New York Knicks select Danilo Gallinari, from Italy.

LA Clippers GM Elgin Baylor:

Sure, his production suffered tremendously when Indiana’s program was suddenly the victim of incompetent leadership with no real sense of direction; but what’s that got to do with the LA Clippers?

Plus, he’s got the sturdiest looking knees in the draft. Just look at those knees!

With the 7th pick of the NBA draft, the Los Angeles Clippers select Eric Gordon from Indiana.

Sacramento Kings GM Geoff Petrie:

Now, wait. Who’s that guy that plays Dr. Patrick Drake on “General Hospital?” Jason Thomas? Jay Thompson? Jason Thompson? Is that it?

Lemme write it down to see if it looks right…Man, I gotta go to the bathroom. Lemme just leave this card right here...

With the 12th pick of the NBA draft, the Sacramento Kings select Jason Thompson from Rider.

Toronto Raptors GM Bryan Collagelo:

Let’s take a look at this scouting report here…”Slow. Unathletic. Questionable toughness.” Never heard of him, but Toronto could always use another white guy.

With the 17th pick of the NBA draft, the Toronto Raptors select Roy Hibbert from Georgetown.

Charlotte Bobcats GM Rod Higgins:

Hmm. We averaged 97.1 points a game, but gave up 101.4. So, we lost by an average of around four points. If we could only find somebody who averaged five points a game in another league…Ah! Here we go! We goin’ 82-0, baby!

With the 20th pick of the NBA draft, the Charlotte Bobcats select Alexis Ajinca from France.

Utah Jazz GM Kevin O’Connor:

In the world of sports drafts, you can count on only a handful of things. Matt Millen will take a wide receiver and I will take a white center. That’s just how we roll.

With the 23rd pick of the NBA draft, the Utah Jazz take Kosta Koufos from Ohio State.

San Antonio Spurs GM R.C. Buford.

Hee, hee, hee. When you say it out loud, it sounds like “Hill of Ew-y Poo-y.” Do I dare? Hell yes I dare! Four rings say R.C. Buford can do whatever the hell R.C. Buford wants.

With the 26th pick of the NBA draft, the San Antonio Spurs select George Hill of IUPUI.

Portland Trailblazers GM Kevin Prichard:

Now, which guy from Memphis was it who was named “Conference Player of the Year”, was an All-American, and is a dynamic scorer who can get his own shot anytime he wants and which one is short for his position and has no offensive skills whatsoever??

Damn it. I really should watch more college basketball. Oh well, 50/50 shot here…

With the 33rd pick of the NBA draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Joey Dorsey from Memphis.

New Jersey Nets GM Rod Thorn:

Damn! I can’t believe Kevin drafted the guy from Memphis who was named “Conference Player of the Year”, was an All-American, and is a dynamic scorer who can get his own shot anytime he wants.

They get everybody. I guess I’ll just have to settle for the one who is short for his position and has no offensive skills whatsoever.

With the 40th pick of the NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets select Chris Douglas-Roberts from Memphis.

Seattle Supersonics GM Sam Presti:

I don’t know if she can play or not, but the chick sure can sing. “I Feel for You” and “I’m Every Woman” were my jams back in the day! What the hell, it’s the second round.

With the 56th pick of the NBA draft, the Seattle Supersonics select Sasha Kaun from Kansas.

Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak:

I know it’s now pretty common knowledge that an NBA ref can be bought nowadays, but this is being a little too blatant. Still, how can I pass up on a guy who detests Tim Duncan more than anybody on the face of the earth?

With the 58th pick of the NBA draft, the LA Lakers select Joe Crawford from Kentucky.

There you have it. We’ve gone inside the minds of some of the most influential NBA executives around. Now, can anybody tell me how to get back to Birmingham from the New Jersey Turnpike?