Why Are Steroids In Sports a Bad Thing? Show Me The Steroids!

Watching the fall of baseball players from the “Steroid Era” has been a bit like watching a fourth of July fireworks display. As soon as one firework exploded and the trickling sparkles began to fade another launches into your line of site and claims the night sky in a fiery burst.

In the past year, we have entered the grand finale of combustion as David Ortiz, Alex Rodriquez, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and now Mark McGwire have all, in one form or another, either admittedly divulged their use of steroids and HGH or have been undeniably linked to the stuff.

For those of us who didn’t ride the short bus to school, this latest revelation comes as no shock as the writing has been on the wall for years. Still, I am sure there are a select few idiots that are shocked and in awe of his confession. After McGwire’s infamous “I’m not here to talk about the past” Congressional hearing, obviously it was only a matter of time before McGwire was forced to face the music. If it weren’t for his pending perjury charger, Bonds would have come out with it as well. Hell, once that case is over, quote me now, I am sure he will!

But all this steroid use has never bothered me. I don’t give a shit about the health effects. I am the same guy that chases my nightly Ambien with a double Jack and Coke, who am I to talk? Personally, I think we should let them all juice it up and start crushing shit. Imagine if all athletes did some kind of steroid, under a doctor’s supervision so they don’t get over-the-top crazy like the psycho spitting linebacker Lattimer in the Program. Of course, that would be awesome. It would be like watching a freak show crossed with a gladiator battle royale in the Coliseum.

Baseball would turn into a homerun derby, football would be filled with insanely quick running backs and jarringly powerful defenses, and basketball would have dunks from the 3 point line NBA Jam stye. Baseball fences would have to be moved back 100 feet, football fields widened 50 yards, and basketball hoops raised 4 feet. Tell me that wouldn’t be entertaining—it’d be like American Gladiators on speed.

Nonetheless there are skeptics out there that will argue that it’s wrong and tainting the game. What a bunch of liberal hippie bullshit. Why the hell do these people care? You might as well let the dog off the leash because everyone seems to have done or (or are still doing it) anyway. Some just get caught and others don’t.

Take the McGwire situation. It’s obvious the only reason he admitted his use at this point is because he saw he was going to get permanently shunned from the Hall and needed to confess to get back into baseball as a hitting coach for St. Louis. It’s not like he had an epiphany and wanted to come clean, it’s just that keeping his mouth shut wasn’t getting him to Cooperstown and his nest egg was running low.

I’m not here to take shots at McGwire because his homerun race with Sammy Sosa was one of the most entertaining things to watch in sports history, and he was still a great baseball player. But let’s be honest, he did this out of necessity and I can’t fault him for it. And I agree with McGwire’s PR staff, and actually I think it’s going to help him. Now that its out, we will forgive and forget like we always do. He’ll eventually make the Hall, and can only improve his currently bottom-basement reputation. Well done Marky Mark, I salute you. Now can I get the name of your dealer?