Tiger Woods: Happy Birthday, You Jerk!

Happy Birthday Tiger Woods, you're 34 today.

You're a 34-year-old jerk.

Been traveling around the past few weeks asking about you.

Have asked a LOT of golf folks, professionals, amateurs, people who watch golf, people who have watched you and have watched you become the jerk that you are. That's what they've been saying.

You know that's what they're saying.

That's one reason you're hiding from the world.

We know that all that mularkey on your web site did not come from you. Someone made that up. It's all made up, just like the image you sold to Corporate America.

Junior golfers have told me you're a jerk.

Golf professionals have told me you're a jerk.

Folks in the golf industry have told me you're a jerk.

Anyone who has ever been tipped by you KNOWS you're a jerk.

Your wife knows you're a jerk.

But there's someone who still loves you mightily—your dog Taz.

Wherever you are hiding out, hopefully you have Taz with you. If you don't, then you have also betrayed your best and only friend, the only one who loves you unconditionally.

But that's what your mantra has become, Tiger Woods. You're all about betrayal and hiding.

IMG should remake your image, and it would be quite easy. You need to become the "bad guy."

You need to become a bad guy like Tony Montana, the best "bad-guy."

You need to become a bad guy like Superman's nemesis, General Zod, who proclaimed: "Is there no one here who can stand up to me?"

That's what you should declare at your return press conference when you finally get up enough nerve to show your face in public and play golf again.

Tiger, simply stroll up to the microphone and announce:

"I'm here to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum."

So happy birthday, Tiger Woods.

Your dog still loves you.