Detroit Lions' Drew Stanton: Move Along, Nothing to See Here

OK, so you saw Drew Stanton. Happy now? Can we move on?

If Stanton remains with the Lions as the No. 2 man behind Matthew Stafford, let’s all chip in and provide Matthew with the best medical care available—and maybe we can raise enough dough to buy some offensive linemen, too.

Stanton was the prime suspect in the Lions’ 20-6 loss to the 49ers in the Bay Area on Sunday. He was the leader of the gang that came in and stole whatever chances the Lions had of winning.

In the season of giving, Stanton giveth, alright—to the 49ers. And in doing so, Stanton taketh away from his own guys.

Stanton fumbled. He threw three interceptions, the last of which was as hideous a thing as you’ll ever see on a football field. Finally, he was benched with his head hanging in abject defeat.

Stanton made his first career start yesterday, and if he was a Broadway show, he would have closed after one night. It was the worst debut since the Italian Army in WWI.

This is who everyone clamored for?

They say the most popular QB in the NFL is often the guy who’s not playing. So I guess that makes Patrick Ramsey, a Lion for less than 72 hours, the apple of every Lions fan’s eye right now.

Stanton has wallowed as a Lion ever since being drafted by his hometown team in 2007. Some of us, present company included, thought he’s been getting a raw deal for three seasons now. Maybe he deserved it.

Stanton’s from Farmington Hills—the residents there are disavowing any knowledge of him—and he attended Michigan State University, which is no doubt this morning expunging all record of him ever playing as a Spartan.

Stanton was so bad on Sunday that he even made Daunte Culpepper a sight for sore eyes, when the latter entered the game with a tad over six minutes remaining. It was moments after Stanton threw maybe the worst interception in the history of pro football—and I’m not exaggerating AT ALL—a givesy-backsy one play after SF’s Frank Gore fumbled and gave the Lions the ball at the 49er 29.

Gore fumbled and the Lions, with a quick score, would have been within 10 points. Well, it would have been interesting, anyway. So Stanton does a play-action and has all the time in the world to set himself and plant his feet and do all those other mechanical things quarterbacks do, and he lasered one—right into the chest of Dre Bly, of all people.

It was like the Lions found a $20 bill in their other pair of pants, and Stanton set fire to it immediately.

Stanton had a QB rating of 31.9, and even though I have no idea how that’s computed, I know that it doesn’t get much lower than that. I think you can play Electric Football and have your QB post a better rating.

OK, so he’s still a rookie, for all intents and purposes. He’s rusty. His confidence was probably shot to hell.

But even given all those built-in excuses, Stanton under achieved. He proved he’s not ready to seize the moment. And, in the process, he gave team coaches and management a big, fat opportunity to say, “I TOLD you he couldn’t play!”

So dump him then. Get someone else. Stafford can’t possibly stay healthy for 16 games, given the line he plays behind and his sense of recklessness on the field. So the Lions will need someone who can step in and doesn’t have bubbles coming out of his pants and a big red nose and a fright wig and who is wearing size 34 shoes.

Stanton can’t play at all. Culpepper can’t play anymore. Ramsey never could play in the NFL. The Lions have Matthew Stafford and a black hole.

Am I being too hard on Stanton? I don’t know; was the United States too hard on the Japanese after Pearl Harbor? Was Elin Nordegren too hard on Tiger Woods?

My apologies to Culpepper, by the way. Daunte, I apologize for actually thinking that Drew Stanton gave the Lions a better chance to win than you. I stand corrected. Neither of you gives the Lions a chance to win.

There—I feel better now.

The Lions have one game left, and I suppose they’ll have to start a quarterback in it. Wouldn’t you love to be coach Jim Schwartz? He’s hungry, and when he opens up the fridge all he sees is moldy cheese and something green and gooey under plastic wrap.

Quick—someone give Schwartzie Scott Mitchell’s phone number.