Brett Favre Challenges Aaron Rodgers to Cage Match to the Death – AP reports

 

Above: Brett Favre - (Note: Favre is actually pronounced 'narcissistic asshole')

 

December 22, 2009

[Minneapolis, MN] - After a causally bizarre weekend of football which included the first loss of the season for the New Orleans, the Minnesota Vikings might have begun making a play for the top seed in the National Football Conference.  This potentiality was all but completely negated only 24 hours later when the Vikings dropped a close game to woeful Carolina Panthers.  Moreover, a win for Minnesota would have created even more breathing room between the Vikings and the Green Bay Packers, who also lost on Sunday to the enigmatic 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers.  

When asked about his offenses sloppy performance on Sunday, Vikings quarterback, Mississippi folk hero, and the worldwide visage of Wrangler Denim, Brett Favre said the following: “I dunno.  I just love to play football.”  He went on to say, “maybe we should have slung the ball around a bit more.  I mean, darnit, I just love to sling the ball around.  Like those adds I do on TV for those Dad-jeans, I’m just slinging the ball around with whoever I can find to sling it too.  Man, let me tell you, if there’s a guy out there I don’t care where he’s hiding or how fast he’s running, I’ll find him and I’ll find a way to sling it out to ‘im.  I guess that’s why they call me the gunslinger.”

When an Associated Press reporter pointed out that Aaron Rogers, his Green Bay counterpart, and successor at the helm of his former team had himself “slung the ball around” to the tune nearly 400 yards for “like the bazillionth week in a row,” only to see his team lose in the final seconds by the statistically meaningless margin of a solitary point, Favre initially demurred to comment.  

But seconds later, with his cheeks gaining a rosy luster and his upper lip quivering Favre blurted “Rogers!  He’s…he ain’t no gunslinger.  ME!  That’s ME! I’m the damn gunslinger!  I, Brett Favre, am the gunslinger, so that’s what you call me.  I don’t care how many bajillions of yards that wuss throws for.  His team is stupid and his stupid beard is too!”

Favre then proceeded to crack open a cold brewsky right at the podium and shotgunned it before tossing it just left of the “United Way Cares” patch on the lectern beside where he sat.    What came next was perhaps one of the most remarkable exchanges in the history of live press conferences.

“Ahh hell,  can anyone give me the number to Rodgers’ cell?”  Favre asked the pool of correspondents.  He then explained that he used to have it himself but that when he tries to call Rodgers that he gets “one of those weird disconnect-y messages with the funny, machine ladies voice” leading him to the conclusion that Rogers must have “changed his number or some shit like that, you know.”  After a scrum of some ten minutes punctuated by much rustling of notebook pages and the clicking of fingers upon digital receivers, Rodgers’ number was eventually provided to Favre by the self-described ‘Vikes beat writer’ for the Land o’1000 Lakes Evening Gazette.

“Since clearly, the discussion of my fitness to sling the ball cannot be determined on the field of play, and also, because of the ongoing intrigue between myself and certain persons in the Green Bay Packer organization, I am here to tell you — (Favre paused to polish off a second ‘Silver Bullet’)  – that the only way, in my mind, for reasonable men to resolve these issues is for Aaron Rodgers and I to fight in the round.  And in case you were wondering, yes, I will I propose a 7 foot-tall titanium cage to encircle the octagon.  And in a best-case scenario, the winner will be determined by way of manslaughter.  That is all.”

And then by way of conclusion, “Happy holidays.”

Reached for comment Aaron Rodgers said only: “I’m just focusing on the Seattle Seahawks this week.”

[[This is a fake news-wire story; cleary a satire of actual Reuters Reportage.  No one at Reuters even knows that this fake story exists.]