Tiger Woods: Booking It

Tiger Woods wrote a book, did you hear?

It is called, “How to Completely Mismanage Your Life after You’ve Been Caught Committing Adultery—For the World’s Richest Dummies.”

And he wrote it to supplement the money he is losing from his suspicious sponsors, some of which have flushed him down the toilet like he is the byproduct of a stomach-wrenching meal. That is how knowledgeable Woods has become on this subject.

You would assume that, with the amount of dinero he has pocketed since turning pro in 1996—Woods has been the PGA Tour money leader nine times, not to mention his numerous endorsers which derive from almost every sector of the economy—he could find the right people to give him the right advice, like verbally acknowledging his mistakes and vowing to become a changed man.

Aside from that quivering voicemail Woods left one of his now-countless mistresses, we have yet to hear from him. Instead, all he has done is publish written statements with perfect English and perfect wording—like “transgressions” and “infidelity,” two words half of America probably had to look up in the dictionary—that embody the seemingly perfect person he was once perceived to be.

Guess what Tiger, you are not perfect. No one is. Wake up and smell this realization. In fact, don’t just smell it. Cut it up and snort it so you can feel it in your icy veins. And once you have done that, come out from behind your website and fess up.

But no, Woods is too much of a wimp to face the public and admit his imperfections. He can pump his fist in victory and throw his clubs in frustration like Mr. Testosterone, but when it comes to confessing his faults, Woods is hiding in the thickest of rough, nowhere to be seen.

Some say he should appear on Oprah. I say: spare us. Unless he wants to be called Panda Woods for the rest of his life.

Others suggest he should start with “60 Minutes”. I suggest he files a restraining order against anyone who has any relation to CBS. “60 Minutes” is more cliché than the saying, “Money can’t buy you love.” (Well, on second thought, it probably can’t—just ask Elin.)

Tiger, if you are reading this, do yourself a favor and call your own press conference. Invite every media outlet who plastered your fist-pumping, red-shirt flaunting self on their newspaper, website, TV airwaves or magazine when you won one of your 71 PGA Tour events. Invite every sponsor, past and present, that placed their financial future in your hands. And most importantly, invite Elin.

Invite Elin because, even if she declines your invitation, at least you can tell us that you wanted to issue her the apology she deserves, that you wanted to promise her you will pour all of the time and energy into being the husband of husbands and the father of fathers that you used to pour into being the golfer of golfers.

And then answer the questions, the who, what, where, when, and why’s—because those questions will never go away, even if you decide to keep quiet for the next five years.

After all, you are Tiger Woods, the first billion-dollar athlete, which is essentially code for: The greatest athlete of all time. You transcended golf from a white man’s game into a multiracial sport. You are known by people who have never even picked up a golf club, simply because at one time your endorsements ranged from American Express to Accenture, two companies that have absolutely nothing to do with golf—or any other sport for that matter.

And to sum it up: You had extramarital sex with perhaps as many women as you have emerged victorious in Majors (14). People do not forget things like that. We may forgive you for them—and probably will—but only after you come forth with the truth. And nothing but the truth.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get going.

I have a book signing to attend.

Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at [e-mail] and follow him on Twitter here .