Tiger Woods Signs Deal to Endorse HGH – AP, Venuist Report

 

Tiger is Human Growth Happy!

 

[[Venuist/AP news-wire, Orlando, FL; 12/15/2009]]

As the old saying goes, all press is good press.

But Tiger Woods and his team may have taken this age old axiom to its most extreme extent ever intended with a new PR campaign.

After losing his position as central spokesperson for several high profile companies — including Gillette, Accenture, and Gatorade — representatives for Tiger Woods have announced a deal with Kickassium Pharma Labs, the leading commercial producer of human growth hormone, known more commonly as HGH.  The move, corporate sources explained, is has been timed to capitalize on the recent string of bad PR which has enveloped woods regarding accusations of performance enhancing drug use.  One corporate source explained that “yeah, our product has pretty much flown under the radar since ‘Rocky Balboa’ failed with Stallone and whathisface, that American bicyclist who won the Tour de France was banned for life from competition.  So really, we were just looking to add a new, and hopefully, more stable face to an amazing product that has gotten a bad rap of late.”  Added the source, “with a little luck and Tiger’s help, we hope the shit will actually be legal in a few years time.”

The Official Statement from Tiger Woods’ Representative:

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“General speculation these last few days has been that Mr. Woods, in his attempts to return to action following major knee surgery in 2008, began a program of medically administered HGH use to speed his return to the game he loves, Pro Golf.  Today, Tiger would like to set the record straight, first off by saying, that yes, yes he took HGH then, but he didn’t need no namby pamby Canadian doctor’s help to do so.  Just as in his career on the hallowed greens of Augusta National and Pebble Breach, Tiger needs no help find the right tool to take himself, and his art, to the next level.  In fact, Tiger is proud to say that Kickassium Pharma’s kickass, tailor-made, cocktails of human growth hormones have been his go to performance enhancing substance his he was just a cub.  Nothing else comes close, and he would trust his body and career to no substitutes.  

“Lastly, he would just like to add to all of his fans, and especially his youthful fans — to whom he owes everything for their dedication and support — that, and I quote, ‘tell them that Gatorade crap doesn’t work for shit.  Seriously, it’s a waste of money.’

“Thank you all.”

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-AP

BTW – This story is a satire; cleary.  No one at the actual AP even knows this fake story exists.

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