DreckTV Sunday Ticket, Monday Morning Hangover…

Spiral Flag - destroyer of worlds - calls a Red Zone alert!

Having NFL Sunday Ticket in a bar is one thing… Ya gotta put asses in the seats. I understand that. Football makes people thirstier than a bag of salt. And you never know when Joe Blow from Minnesota is gonna walk in the door and need to watch his team from across the country while emptying his wallet.

This season, I have had the privilege of experiencing Sunday Ticket at a friend’s house nearly every week. And it bores the hell outta me. Here are my top 5 reasons why:

1) First of all, it costs way too much. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to watch the Eagles here in New York every Sunday, but I don’t wanna have to sell my TV to be able to afford it. That wouldn’t make much sense.  And I realize I’m not actually paying for it at the moment. But my friend is. And I feel like I’m being ripped off by proxy.

2) ADD. It is nearly impossible to watch a single game from start to finish. Constant flipping back and forth is inevitable, and even obligatory, especially when you’re paying straight out of your ass for the “luxury” to do so. What this does is reduce the experience to the atmosphere of a barrage of people, armored in a kaleidoscopic array of colors, simply running back and forth on a TV screen. It’s more bewildering than Wonkavision. The structure of the event of a football game gets completely lost.

3) Fantasy Football shitbirds always converge on the place to keep up with what their “players” are doing. This means you’re gonna have to spend an inordinate amount of time watching a complete blowout, or otherwise boring or meaningless game, because some dorktard’s runningback needs 5 more yards to earn him whatever trivial achievement or win with his “league” of “friends.” If I want to watch nerds get excited about stuff that doesn’t involve me, I’ll go watch my cousin Ronnie play D&D in his stepmom’s basement.

4) The “Red Zone Channel.” Am I that shallow and attention deficient that in order to watch a football game, somebody has to be scoring or about to score? It’s like tuning in to a boxing match at the end, on purpose. “All I really wanna see is how many bruises they have.”  And RZC is always showing up late, saying:”Here’s what happened just a few minutes ago…” On average, a team usually spends more than 3 seconds in the “Red Zone,” right “Red Zone Channel?”

5) Football overdose. On any given Sunday that I’ve decided to watch football at the Sunday Ticket apartment, We’ve ended up watching at least 9 hours of it. Nine. Hours. What is your favorite thing in the world? What can you do, not only effortlessly, but also with supreme enjoyment? And I don’t like football that much. I guess I’m talking about basic human delights, functions, and necessities. Eating? Ok, eating what? Ice Cream? Pizza? What about sex? Ok, fine. That’s a big one. Imagine doing that for NINE. HOURS. It starts to get boring by halftime.