NFL Career Suicide Prevention Hot-Line: How Can I Help You?

*Ring*

"You've reached the NFL Career Suicide Prevention Hot-line. My name is Tim. May I get your name?"

"Okay. That's great. So tell me, Jeremy...What's happening that made you feel like you wanted to talk to me today?"

"Uh huh...right, right...I see. And was your general manager screaming, too? He was? Okay...mmm-hmmm...right, right. Yeah. In front of everybody? Wow. Okay. So, how did that make you feel? Mmm-hmmm. Yep. Oh sure! Sure! Of course I would! Yeah, of course! But...well...tell me something though, Jeremy. Who started the shouting match? Was it him, or..."

"No! No! I'm not putting the blame on you! Calm down, buddy! Hey...hey...I'm on your side here, okay? Really. But listen. Listen. Take a deep breath. That's better. Okay, listen. I'm only saying that maybe if..."

"Oh, I see. Uh-huh...he was? Well, yeah. I can see your point. Sure. Sure. But tell me, Jeremy. Did you ever try talking to the coach? Maybe you two guys just need to...Wait! Wait! Name calling really isn't very productive here, Jeremy. You should know by now that...Okay, that's really...that's not really...Eli is NOT a...he is NOT. No. Come on, that's just..."

"Alright now! That is enough! Calm down, Jeremy! Just calm down and tell me what they were doing that would make you so..."

"Hmmm? Laughing? Why would they be laughing at...oh...they were? I don't think they really meant that. They were probably just...uh-huh...uh-huh. Well, that's true. But, even though they won a Super Bowl without you, that doesn't mean they don't still want you on the team. I mean, after all..."

"No. That's silly! I mean, why would you even think...Oh, you did? Well, you can't always believe what you read in the newspapers, Jeremy. You know that. All they're trying to do is sell...huh? It's on the Bleacher Report? No kidding? Well, still...John Fennelly's hardly ever right. No, really. Hardly ever. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I wouldn't worry about it."

"Look, here's an idea. Why don't you just suck it up a little bit? No! No! I didn't mean it like that! No, I don't think that. No I don't, Jeremy. Come on, now. Come on. You're The Man! Who can cover you? That's right, nobody. But you can't be 'The Man' if you don't get it together and get yourself onto the practice field, right? Am I right? Of course I..."

"Hey! Hey...okay...okay...let it all out, Jeremy. That's it. Let it all go. That's better. Let it all out. Let it all out. Okay. There. You better? Yeah? You sure? Yeah? Yeah?"

"Alright then."

"I'm going to let you go now, Jeremy. Okay? You sure you're okay, now? Alright. Mmm-hmmm. But, call back anytime you need to talk to somebody, okay? Anytime, alright? Okay? Alright then, Jeremy. You take care, buddy. Bye-bye."

*Ring*

"You've reached the NFL Career Suicide Prevention Hot-line. My name is Tim. May I get your name?"

"Mm-hmm. Okay. And what's going on with Marshawn today?"