NASCAR Fever Hits Epidemic Proportions (HUMOR)

Sal Sigala Jr.Senior Analyst IDecember 4, 2009

The end of the season is finally here, and once again the fans will begin complaining about a mysterious illness that only surfaces after the season is over.

The illness itself usually starts as a withdrawal right after the awards ceremony, but as the days go by it begins to gradually progress into a fever that has some very strange symptoms.

Over the years many doctors and scientists have worked hand in hand to try and find a cure for it, but each year their futile attempts have fallen short because once the month of February comes around, the fever will mysteriously cease to exist.

I decided to do a little research of mine own, so I made a call to the American Medical Association after the season to see if they had made any progress on a possible remedy.

Well it seems that they did make some progress, and they gave me a number to a well known doctor who’s a specialist in the NASCAR field. When I first heard the name, I was beside myself and thought, “Why didn’t I think of calling him in the first place?”

After a lengthy talk with Dr. Jerry Punch who is not only a doctor, but also a NASCAR announcer, he began tell me about some of the symptoms that lead up to the fever.

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Punch also said that the preliminary medical name for the fever is: Nascarcircleosis, and that the name could be changed to something a little more easier to pronounce.

I asked Dr. Punch if it was okay to share the symptoms along with the side affects, and he had no problem with letting the fans know what he has found out so far.

He said that some of the symptoms are:

1. You find yourself putting saran wrap on your windshield, so that you can simulate a tear off.

2. A sudden desire to wake up at two or three in the morning, because no one is around and you want to time yourself to see how fast you can drive around the block.

3. Always making left turns to get to the market.

4. Instead of using the nozzle to fill up your car, you carry five gallon gas cans and use those instead.

5. You remove all of your dashboard gauges except for the tachometer, oil pressure, and water temperature gauge.

6. You weld the doors shut, and make your family jump in through the windows.

7. You build yourself a roll cage out of P.V.C. plastic pipe.

8. You make the family wear headsets while driving in the car.

9. You don't listen to music anymore. But instead you record, “Crank it up" and play that all day.

Now Dr. Punch did share that there was a temporary remedy for it, but he also said that some of the fans could also be immune it.

He said to record Brad Dougherty and Rusty Wallace commentating on race day, and anytime you get any of these symptoms just play the recording and that should help.

Dr. Punch also gave me this list of side affects if the remedy just happens to work.

1. Sudden fits of rage and temper flare ups, especially when you see certain drivers on your T.V. screen on race day.

2. While getting on the freeway, you suddenly feel the urge to bump draft the driver in front you.

3. Anytime you see a food wrapper on the road, you automatically slow down.

4. Whenever you see a cop with his flashing lights on, you pull up right behind him thinking that it’s a pace car.

These are just a few of the things that Dr. Punch said to look out for, and he also said that he can be reached at 1-800-haveasafeoffseason.

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