Tiger Cheats, Weis Loses, Tebow Wins and Cutler Doesn't... I Need a Break!

If I had known last Thursday what I know now, I would have been thankful for peace and quiet!

Where do we begin?

In case you hadn't heard, Tiger Woods likes women. Not the gorgeous one he's married to, of course, but other women. All over the country, apparently, too.

Oh, and Charlie Weis? Yeah, he got fired at Notre Dame. But if you have a television, you saw that coming three years ago when he lost, at home, to Navy.

Speaking of Touchdown Jesus, Tim Tebow's career in the swamp is over. Now he gets to play Alabama for a chance at another National Championship and automatic enshrinement in the All Time ManCrush Hall of Fame in the Urban Meyer category.

If you want to talk about real, already-in-the-real Hall of Fame people, Bobby Bowden "retired" after losing to Tebow's Florida Gators. I'd love to know, though, where someone goes to get big enough stones to tell the godfather of your football program, who has raised MILLIONS of dollars for your university, that he isn't wanted any more? I don't think that was part of Wal Mart's Black Friday sale.

Jay Cutler just got picked off.

Speaking of the Wal Mart sale rack, the New Jersey Nets are doing a fantastic job of recruiting LeBron James away from Cleveland. Apparently they didn't get the memo that blowing the first two months of the season isn't a good selling point, especially when you're other selling point is Jersey.

Sorry, New Jersey.

Did you hear that Roy Halladay would like to pitch for the Yankees? Really? I'm pretty sure there are at least 15 players on 29 rosters that would love to wear the pinstripes, too. In fact, my agent is going to call Bleacher Report's editorial board and tell them that I will only accept a trade to the Yankees or a fresh 20-ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper. Either way, you guys can pick.

Baseball announced all of their post season awards. Two teams didn't have one player receive a single vote for any awards: the Baltimore Orioles and the New York Mets. The only problem there is that the Mets paid $82 million more than the Orioles did to get shut out. How's that working out for you, Mr. Minaya?

Brett Favre's old. We get it.

His teammate, Adrian Peterson, needs to learn how to read speed limit signs, though. apparently he didn't notice that he was doing 105 in a 55 zone last weekend. I take that back...when you're doing DOUBLE the speed limit, you're not around long enough to read the sign. AP needs to pay attention.

Meanwhile, Eric Mangini is making another quarterback change. This time, he's calling for Jimmy Claussen, though. If I were Claussen, and I had to decide between Notre Dame or playing in Cleveland, I would call Brady Quinn for advice. I'm sure Coach Weis' Rolodex is in a box somewhere.

Cutler just got picked off again.

I'm proposing a cage match: Craig Sager against Jay Glazer. One's a bald midget, the other wears clothes that would have embarrassed Liberace. Smart money's on Glazer.

Word is that Glazer is training for the bout with Sager by running through the streets of Philadelphia like Rocky did; Sager is going to jog laps around newly-unemployed Mark Mangino.

Speaking of Mangino, I'm sure he'll be fine financially. "Ghostbusters" was on AMC last weekend, and he was great while... what? The Stay Puff Marshmallow Man? NO! I could have sworn that was Mangino! My bad.

Al Davis just fired someone. So did Donald Trump. My question is: which has more of their original hair left?

The Hot Seat's on the phone, is Rich Rodriguez available? No? Fine, give the phone back to Eric Mangini.

After a lengthy review, the call on the field is confirmed: Cutler has been intercepted again.

Finally, I would love it if Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Tony Dungy, Mike Holmgren, and Mike Ditka all decided to coach high school teams in the suburbs. How great would that be? Cowher can spit further than an average 17-year-old can throw a spiral, and Holmgren's play titles are longer than some English papers. I would pay to watch that happen!