Love Is a Battlefield

My dearest Elizabeth,

No longer will I shun, deny, or fear my emotions. Simply stated, I long for you. They say “Behind every great man is a great woman,” and I think if I had you behind me, jabbing me in the back with your clutched fist, my life would take on new meaning. This may seem a lustful whim, however, let me assure you I’ve given my feelings adequate consideration and found them to be true. What can I say? I’m in love…and it feels amazing, like an arm bar.

Why we should be together:

1. Our future son or man-girl will never be bullied.

2. We won’t have to attend couple’s counseling as all arguments will be settled in-house.

3. I’ve already thought of pet names. How do you feel about Hera, Destroyer of Mormon?

4. Experts in child-beating suggest that corporal punishment can only be effective if both parents are on the same page. I believe we are not only on the same page, but we are reading the same word in the same sentence.

5. I want to wake up every morning next to your scowl.

6. Money wouldn’t be a problem. All you need is love…and one million bumper stickers that read “If you can’t take the yank, don’t grow the pony tail.” Available in bins at Wal-Mart for $4.99.

Number 15 in the program, number 75322 in county jail, number 1 in my heart, Elizabeth, will you go out with me?

Please check “yes” or punch me in the face.

Submitting to your will,

Keith Strausbaugh

XOXOXO

“Love is blind,” but that’s only after you eye gouge love.