From the Archives: You Give Glove a Bad Name (Satire)

Football Fiends,

It’s Tuesday and once again we’re delving into the archives to bring you some laughs. Below is the third “press conference” in my 2007 Satire series about Carolina signing Vinny Testaverde.

October 17, 2007 Charlotte, North Carolina —Panthers Practice Facilities

Blogs and sports media are calling for Coach John Fox to name David Carr the starting QB for next weekend’s home game against the Indianapolis Colts. Citing his age, sports writers and bloggers dismiss the Vinny-mania currently hitting North Cakalak by pointing out the fact that Testaverde turns 44 next month.

Reporters got the call from Testaverde this evening, another midnight press conference has been called. We can only wonder what he’s going to do this time. Will he point out that Carr has not provided evidence to back up sports writers claims that he is the starting QB? And what about those gloves?

Testaverde, as usual, made his entrance at precisely two minutes after midnight wearing skin tight torn jeans and a vintage Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet concert t-shirt. He placed the boom box on the podium and hit play.

The familiar notes of the hit Bon Jovi song “You Give Love a Bad Name” started to play he turned around with his wireless microphone and…

Full Testaverde coverage follows.

Testaverde: “First I just want to say to all of you, thank you for coming out. I’d like to make you all, the fans, and the Panthers management aware of the following statistic. I have 6,562 career pass attempts. The Panthers have 6,412 pass attempts in their entire history. I ask you now, who should be starting? Me or the gloved one?

Will I be under center please do tell
You signed me to save you, and I did it so well
Who will be the starting QB?
Is it David Carr or Testaverde?

My arm is a loaded gun
There’s nowhere to run
No one else can save you
The damage is done

Demoted to second string
And you’re to blame
You give glove a bad name
I play my best and you play pretty lame
You give glove a bad name
You give glove a bad name

Put your gloves on your hands
Mr. Mittens is what you’re called by the fans
You smile so bright, your hair’s just right
One more sack and your back will say goodnight

My arm is a loaded gun
There’s nowhere to run
No one else can save you
The damage is done

Demoted to second string
And you’re to blame
You give glove a bad name
I play my best and you play pretty lame
You give glove a bad name
You give glove a bad name”

-Your Gridiron Goddess