NFL Week Seven: You Crap The Bed!

DMtShooter Five Tool ToolOct 25, 2009

In honor of the NFL's annual forced insertion of a bad football game into a foreign market, we're brought to you this week by Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, a Japanese video game that is perhaps the most puzzling and dispiriting game ever made. You can click and see if you like, but on some level, maybe you shouldn't. At least the exchange rate in yen means I can afford mid-level ramen this week.

Remember, the goal of the game is to let you try to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. All of these scenarios are taken from actual game time decisions. Now, let's all play...You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Vikings' safety Bennie Sapp. It's 10-7 Steelers in the third quarter in Pittsburgh, and the Steelers are on the march. On a 3rd-and-1 from the Vikings' 18 yard line, Steelers' QB Ben Roethlisberger scrambles out of traffic and goes out of bounds for a first down. Do you:

a) Run hard towards him to make sure he doesn't cut back inside for extra yardage.

b) Keep an eye out for WR Hines Ward, who lives for extra hit moments like this.

c) Maybe try to extend an arm or yell at Roehleseberger in the vain hopes for a turnover.

d) Slow down, because the last thing you want to do in a moment like this is give the opposing team extra yards with a dumb penalty.

e) Launch yourself head-first like a missile at Roethlesberger, despite the fact that he's already out of bounds, has the first down, is a quarterback and is the most visible player in the game, and the league likes to fine the hell out of people who lead with the helmet.

If you've chosen (e), preferably while pretending you've done nothing wrong with less conviction than a porn actress, you've won! And you've given the Steelers free yards on a second half drive that will extend the lead. And you've set the tone for your first loss of the season. (At least Sapp got his head back enough in the game to make a nice third down deflection and keep the Steelers to a field goal. It'll make the inevitable five-figure fine easier to take in the film room).

2) You are Bucs coach Radio Raheem Morris. It's 28-7 Patriots with 30 seconds left in the third quarter in your game in London. On third down, QB Josh Johnson and WR Antonio Bryant almost connect off a scramble play, but don't make the completion, setting up a 4th-and-2 from the Pats 35. Do you:

a) Go for it, and allow the mobile Johnson to see if he can pick up the first down by getting out of the pocket.

b) Go for it, and give the ball to highly paid and reasonably effective RB Derrick Ward.

c) Go for it, and try to find physical receivers like TE Kellen Winslow or WR Bryant to move the sticks for you.

d) Put on a skirt and try to kick a 52-yard field goal, under the theory that that you're going to need the field goal for the win in your thrilling comeback.

e) Put on a skirt, lipstick and heels and send out the punting team, because the fact that the Patriots have already put up 28 points in three quarters while yawning definitely means that you'll stop them after your defense sees you wuss out.

If you've chosen (e), you've won! And you've gained 25 yards of field position that the Patriots will eradicate in the next minute of football, the gratitude of the gambling public that laid the points on the Patriots and we're feeling worried about the investment, and more evidence that you have absolutely no business running an NFL franchise. Congratulations!

3) You are Atlanta Falcons coach Mike Smith. With nine minutes left in the game in Dallas, it's 27-14 Cowboys. Your defense hasn't given you any indication that they can cause a three-and-out, and on 3rd-and-10, QB Matt Ryan connects with WR Roddy White to give you a 4th-and-10 around your own 40 yard line. Ryan and the rest of the offense are clearly itching to go for it on fourth. Do you:

a) Go for it and put the ball in the hands of your QB, who did, after all, win the Rookie of the Year award last year.

b) Go for it and run the ball from a spread formation with RB Michael Turner or RB Jason Snelling, both of whom have been very effective today.

c) Go for it and throw to TE Tony Gonzalez, who may be, after all, the best to ever play his position.

d) Go for it and try to go deep to WR Roddy White, under the theory that the Cowboys have an erratic secondary, won't be looking for a deep ball and you need to do something dramatic to change the way this game is going.

e) Punt, because you clearly have enough time to get the ball back despite not being able to stop the Cowboys most the day, and you really need to make sure that Ryan knows who's boss.

If you've chosen (e), followed up your team giving an up the gut punt return for touchdown by the recently demoted Patrick Crayton, leading to a 16-point blowout that gave America's Team a season-saving win... you've won! And you take home a loss that more or less sticks a fork in your division hopes, seeing as how the Saints were maintaining perfection with a furious comeback in Miami. Well done!

Well, that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, and poise—or the right visual inspiration from the plainly terrifying Japanese mindset —you too can...Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!