Eagles-Raiders Preview: Philly Wins (Battery Not Included)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Sure, Donovan McNabb is back for the Eagles, and Michael Vick will be the subject of a documentary airing on BET in 2010, but those stories pale in comparison to the sagas surrounding the 1-4 Oakland Raiders, a franchise bordering on implosion.

With evidence mounting, Tom Cable may be charged with assault soon, as could quarterback JaMarcus Russell, for assault on the senses.

“That team is a mess,” said McNabb. “If I were a Raider, there is no doubt that I would vomit on that field, not from exhaustion, but just for spite.

“As felons go, Tom Cable is probably the best coach in the league. Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate that he went all John Chaney on assistant coach Randy Hanson, threatening to kill him. I hear that coaches now have resorted to wearing headgear to meetings.

“I’m not sure I could play for a coach like that. Andy Reid can be intimidating, but only with his intellect. Sure, Coach Reid is comparable in size to Cable, but Andy brings a lot more to the table. ‘Battery’ not included.’”

Does Russell have the talent to quarterback in the NFL? Does he have the talent to succeed at elementary school dodgeball? Who knows? But he’s obviously not making progress in Oakland, and Al Davis seems blindly intent on making the Raiders’ drafting of Russell look like a wise one. But Russell’s chances of realizing his potential more than likely lie with another team.

So JaMarcus, if you’re reading, get out of Oakland—even if that requires you to defect to Cuba.

Have you heard? McNabb is now a spokesman for the International House of Pancakes, and this game will be quite similar to the way McNabb likes his eggs:

“Over easy.”

The Raiders put a field goal on the board first, but the Eagles then score 24 unanswered points. McNabb throws for 226 yards and two scores, and the Eagles defense forces three Russell turnovers. Cable is later charged with assault, while Davis is ticketed for “Al-feasance” and contributing to the delinquency of a franchise.

Philadelphia wins 33-9.