Giants-Raiders: New York Dominates With Mickey Rourke Watching (Satire)

Yesterday’s Giants game can easily be summed up in four words: Giants good, Raiders bad.

Things went exactly as the Giants had hoped. They burst out to a 28-0 lead, with Eli Manning showing no signs of an injured heel. With garbage time starting in the second quarter, the Giants were able to give Manning the rest of the day off, and have David Carr take over. Big Blue dominated every aspect of the game, putting up 483 total yards to Oakland’s 124 adding six sacks and taking time of possession, 36:04 to 23:56.

Let’s not waste our time analyzing a blowout, though.

Instead, let’s concentrate on the most interesting event of yesterday afternoon: The fact that Mickey Rourke was watching the game from the Giants sideline. What the heck was he doing there? How did he slip by security? I’m just spitballing here, but here are a few reasons I came up with for his appearance with Big Blue:

1. He came by to personally challenge Brandon Jacobs to a boxing match.
2. He wanted to prove he wasn’t just acting in The Wrestler, so he took off his shirt and had Justin Tuck staple-gun his back and chest.
3. His ubiquitous little dog ran away, so the actor has decided he wants to start tucking Ahmad Bradshaw under his arm at public events.
4. He’s reprising his role as Boogie in Diner, so he was looking for some inside info for his gambling habit.
5. He had nothing to do so he thought he’d swing by the Meadowlands and spend a lazy Sunday afternoon gabbing with the Giants.
6. He thought he was at the Oscars and spent 20 minutes chatting with Mario Manningham thinking he was Denzel Washington.
7. He’s researching a role for his next movie: The Tom Coughlin Story.
8. He was there to heal Eli Manning’s foot through his special powers of insanity.
9. For his next challenge, he wants to try out for the Giants, and he figured the best way to do this would be to just show up on the Giants sideline.
10. He was there to watch wrestling but Vince McMahon gave him the wrong address.
11. He had absolutely no idea where he was.
12. The Giants are hand-selecting crazy actors to act as their good luck charm this season.

The Giants cupcake schedule is over, as they take on the 4-0 New Orleans Saints next Sunday. If all goes well, Gary Busey will give the Giants one of his patented, impassioned pre-game speeches, which involves literally barking at the team like a dog, and then he’ll be watching from the sidelines, willing the Giants to victory.