NFL Week Four Hal-Oscopes: The Future Is Written Here! Possibly.

Another week in the NFL, another bunch of crazy stuff happening.

The Lions beating Washington and snapping that god-awful losing streak? Check.

88-year-old Brett Favre throwing a 50-yard TD laser to Greg Lewis (!!!) with no time on the board? Check.

The World Champion Steelers losing to the Bengals, yes the Bengals? Check.

Felix Jones getting hurt after only nine carries? Check, well that one’s not so crazy. In fact, it’s pretty much par for Fragile Felix’s course.

The point being, well two points actually: One, the NFL is awesome. Two, week to week, game to game, the NFL is the most unpredictable professional sport around.

To help guide you through these unpredictable waters, I give you the Hal-Oscopes. A weekly horoscope of sorts (not really, but play along) for select NFL players and personalities. The Hal-Oscopes are a set a fortunes for the upcoming NFL week as told by the stars, the heavens and whatever else I can think of.

JaMarcus Russell (Sunday @ Houston)

Oakland has seemingly been under a dark cloud since Russell arrived as the first overall pick in 2007, or maybe that cloud is just the rather large, out-of-shape Russell’s shadow? Either way, Russell’s proclivity to share his emotions and the ball with the opponents will prove favorable for the Texans, as Russell moves quickly to replace Ryan Leaf as everyone’s favorite draft-day bust.

Tony Sparano (Sunday vs. Buffalo)

With the Aries Full Moon approaching, along with the pathetic, dink-and-dunking passing of Trent Edwards, Sparano’s mood will lighten as his fish finally get in the win column. But that Aries Moon also indicates trouble ahead, specifically at the QB position, where Sparano will be forced to make a deal with and ironically, for the devil by trading for Mr. Wildcat: Michael Vick. Yeah, I said it.

Glen Coffee (Sunday vs. St. Louis)

The Alabama rookie gets the start this week as weak-ankled Frank Gore fortuitously went down last week against Minnesota. Coffee must be living right, as the stars have truly aligned for him in the proverbial win-win situation. Not only does he get the start, but it comes against the pathetic Rams and their 27th ranked run defense. “Mr. Cofffee, Destiny is on line one for you.”

Derek Anderson (Sunday vs. Cincinnati)

Even with a short, arrogant unproven, moron of a coach and a defense that surrenders more real estate then the French Army, Anderson’s chart looks surprisingly encouraging this week. He will get in touch with inner feelings and his rather talented long-ball wide receiver Braylon Edwards, the same Edwards weak-arm and weaker-willed Brady Quinn couldn’t reach. Anderson and Edwards will combine with an over-confident Bengals team, (when the last time you’ve heard that phrase?), to get the Browns that elusive first win of 2009. And remind the Bengals that they are in fact, still the Bengals.

Raheem Morris (Sunday @ Washington)

Mercury’s retrograde is just about over and at 0-3 it looks like Morris’ Buccaneers are just about done as well. Ill will, bad fortune and ruinous luck hang on Morris like a cheap suit, but unfortunately he has nothing else to wear. His Bucs do face the just-lost-to-the-Lions Redskins, which might signal some sort of hope for Morris, but not really, as the Redskins will be working hard to knock off the suck of last week.

Aaron Rodgers (Monday Night @ Minnesota)

Teacher and student square off in this Epic Monday Nighter, as Rodgers takes on the Old Master himself, Brett Favre. Rodgers’ early NFL season fortunes have been mixed, as his ruling planets have been disturbed. But Monday’s Full Moon fever, allows Rodgers to spiritually right the ship with an angry Greg Jennings at his side. Favre will squirm and kick butt with GB’s defense stifling the banged up Adrian Peterson, Rodgers and the Lords of Payback will keep the pillow pressed over Grandpa Favre’s face, until he mercifully gives up.

The Denver Defense (Sunday vs. Dallas)

The wisest spirits in the sky are surprised that this rag-tag bunch is 3-0 and ranked first in points allowed, (5.3 pg). But when you look at their chart and, by the way, the teams they played -- Cincy, Cleveland and Oakland – it’s not such a mystery, merely a quirk of the schedule. This week, with that pesky Autumn Moon rising and the run-heavy Cowboys in town, that points per game number will be packed up very nicely and sent out to the farm, where it can live out it days peacefully, never to be seen again.

Mark Sanchez (Sunday @ New Orleans)

Sanchez’s aw-shucks, faux humility routine will finally blow up this week. The Fire-Signed Jet QB will face true emotional turmoil and crisis this week as Drew Brees and the Superdome crowd force him to play from behind and with some actual pressure. Brees had a quiet game against Buffalo last week and will not repeat it two weeks in a row especially at home. Therefore forcing glamour-puss Sanchez to actually do something without the cushion of a lead. It’s been four weeks coming but this week, Sanchez finally gets dirty.

Pierre Garcon (Sunday vs. Seattle)

Garcon continues to live the NFL dream, by sprinting out of obscurity and suddenly under every Peyton Manning pass. It’s hard to say what’s more unbelievable this 2008 low-rounder’s rise or the fact that he has his own website! Regardless, Garcon is entering the 7th House of Opportunity and word has it, he’s chaining himself to the radiator in there. A wise move for Garcon, especially as he’s looking at playing an injury plagued, porous Seattle defense with a super-sharp Manning at the helm.

Mike Tomlin (Sunday Night vs. San Diego)

Tomlin looks like a cool 70’s police detective with those sweet gold-framed sunglasses but he does not look cool with a 1-2 record. He looks annoyed. He looks even more annoyed when key players get involved with WWE events without informing the team. Enlightenment, emotional sharing and meaningful dialogue are out the window as the Moon enters Tomlin’s First House of Whup-ass. Expect all-out effort as the Steel crew, again, find a way to get it done against San Diego, who play surprising well in Pittsburgh. In celestial terms, it’ll be a barn burner.


The stars have gone quiet for me, so that is all for this week. Careful of that Autumn Moon everyone and enjoy celebrating football this weekend. Check back next week for more insight, fortunes and nonsense from the NFL Hal-Oscopes.