The Polls Uncovered (Humor)

A snarky look at the top twenty. Insert tongue in cheek and let's rip it.

No. 1 Florida

They didn't look great against Tennessee, and they don't have that world-beaters look about them. Will lose to either LSU, South Carolina or a ticked-off, vacated wins Florida State team. If they lose early enough in the season, look for the one-loss Gators to jump ahead of three undefeated teams at end of regular season because _________(insert non-sensical reason here.)

No. 2 Texas

Colt McCoy hasn't looked very Heisman-like, the Horns haven't beaten anyone with a pulse so far (Texas Tech lost to Houston last week) and if the Sooners don't beat them in the RRR, then Mizzou will catch Bevo napping the following week. I like my steak rare, by the way.

No. 3 Alabama

The Crimson Tide look fantastic, don't they? Didn't they look fantastic last year too? Therein lies the problem—the Tide haven't been able to "finish" the season for the last five years, dropping their final two games (9 out of 10) with alarming regularity. Count on underrated Auburn dropping a birdy deuce on the Tide November 27th. Losing your last game of the season won't keep you in the top two even if you were undefeated prior to facing War Damn Eagle.

No. 4 LSU

Count on the Tigers to lose to Georgia in a close battle. Count on LSU to beat Florida in a night game in the Bayou, skate by the rest of the season and get into the NC game after winning the SEC. They are playing just shaky enough for me to be convinced they are destined. Karma with a Bayou twist is a bitch, ain't it?

No. 5 Boise State

If Utah couldn't get in undefeated, why should the Broncos? The BCS will muck this up if Boise State goes undefeated—count on it. But no worries, Boise State will lose to Tulsa and the inevitable chants of "overrated" will permeate the air like the bell ringers outside Wal-Mart in December.

No. 6 Virginia Tech

Is this what it has come to? A one-loss ACC team is ahead of undefeated Auburn and Kansas? Before you fear the Hokies making it to the NC, just remember they have to play Boston College, who has owned the Hokies for three years—expect to see the Hokie Bird lay an egg on October 10th.

No. 7 USC

USC's recipe for a football season: Open up the season with high expectations. Add one giant can of whoop ass from a non-conference game and beat into a frenzy. Fold in one loss to overwhelming underdog. Whip until frothy, then simmer over low heat for two months. Pour into pan, bake at 350 degrees until Trojans miss another National Championship game berth. Test for doneness when USC fans scream about a playoffs system. Leftovers can be frozen for exactly one year. (By the way, do you get the feeling the pollsters only watched the first quarter of the Wazzu game and then mailed in their ballots?)

No. 8 Oklahoma

If they beat Miami (FL) what will that prove? If they lose to Miami (FL), how long will it take for the Landry Jones Porn Stache fad to disappear back to its rightful place (the San Fernando Valley Porn Hall of Fame)?

No. 9 Ohio State

Things are-a-changing in Columbus. Jim Tressel actually got fired up and called the Big Ten's suspension of Kurt Coleman "bad judgment." So maybe the swagger is back? Only if they beat New Mexico State (on Halloween) by 50 points—anything less than that and it's a trip to Pasadena and a chance to get their nuts chopped off by a disgruntled Pac-10 team.

No. 10 Cincinnati

Oh please. Seriously? Having Louisville, Syracuse and directional Missouri State on your schedule apparently fooled some Ohioan writers who just couldn't help themselves and put another Ohio team in the mix. Just in case?

No. 11 TCU

Beating Clemson was impressive. But Georgia Tech beat them too. In fact, let's see the Horned Frogs beat Utah (it's been once in five tries) before we shower them with some BCS-buster love that is currently embracing the Boise State Broncos. Horses are cooler than Horned Frogs.

No. 12 Houston

Is this a Texas thing? What I don't get is why the Cougs are ranked behind Boise State—their record is identical to Boise State's, but the Cougs have more quality wins. Let's hope that C-USA (East Carolina last year) curse doesn't get to them. And that the pollsters stay up past midnight so they can actually watch a western game in its entirety.

No. 13 Iowa

Beating an overrated Penn State is good for No. 13? I can't wait to see what Penn State gets when they beat Ohio State.

No. 14 Oklahoma State

Boone Pickens State has a bye this week—look for the prices at the gas pumps to inch their way up proportionately to the amount of losses the 'Pokes rack up. It's just good business.

No. 15 Penn State

Perhaps this would be a good time to take Iowa off the schedule for a few years and put in Wisconsin or Purdue instead?

No. 16 Oregon

All it took was a beatdown on Cal and a loss to a No. 5 team for the hideously-uniformed Ducks to get back in the picture and nab a probable Holiday Bowl.

No. 17 Miami (FL)

Unfortunately for the 'Canes, they still have to distinguish themselves from that school in Ohio by having the "FL" after their name.

No. 18 Kansas

Must we keep having to see a Big 12 North team in the top twenty? We all know what will happen in the conference championship. The humanity of it all.

No. 19 Georgia

If the Dawgs beat Florida in the WLOCP, the SEC East will get its groove back because right now, it's the Gators with an occasional sprinkling of South Carolina. If they lose...well....nobody will care. It's Tebow time.

No. 20 BYU

Beat the Sooners and you're a hero. Get spanked by Florida State and you're a goat. Hey, you wanted to get the BCS conferences' attention. You got it.