Jared Allen, Riding On Favre's Coattails [Satire]

Ben SchmitContributor ISeptember 29, 2009

CINCINNATI - 2005:  Duane Clemons of the Cincinnati Bengals poses for his 2005 NFL headshot at photo day in Cincinnati, Ohio.  (Photo by Getty Images)

Repudiating an Tarkenton-esque existence of shameful embarrassment, Jared Allen today renounced his former bad attitude and finally acknowledged the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are, in fact, for real.

"I'm the angriest DE in the League. But I was, totally like, 'Favre has got to show himself.' Now I know, I have some catching-up to do," Allen said, after nearly breaking down in tears, following a berating by Twin Cities reporters, all of whom questioned the venerable psycho's almost complete lack of accumulated statistics, three weeks into the 2009 National Football League season.

"It's almost...the dude got a lucky sack," reported an unnamed third-year linebacker. "It's like Randy Moss, all over again. What a tool," Ben Leber did not say. Out loud.

Minnesota Vikings' fans have cause to wonder.

Jared Allen was brought to Minnesota after Brad Childress made the now controversial decision that neither Dennis Green, the most loved coach in the history of the franchise, nor Michael Tice, perhaps the finest head coach in the NFL to get fired for not knowing anything about his job, knew anything about running a defense.

Thus, the Jared Allen Era had begun. And now that Brett Favre is in the fold? It would seem that this one-time, obvious, future Hall-of-Famer has decided that, with so many offensive weapons at Minnesota's disposal, Captain Sack-Happy can chill and let the Bob Schnelker Effect take control.

"Third and 15? Draw play up the middle, right?" Said Allen, shortly after having several drinks with former Vikings' receiver, Chris Carter, well known for not being a clown.

So, a guy gets tripple-teamed and that's his excuse? No way, Mr. Allen. You have clearly copped-out. That's what this reporter has to say. Where's Duane Clemons when you need him?


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