Cam Newton Says His 100 Percent 'Organic' Hands Deserve to Be on Hands Team

Responsibly sourced, locally grown, sustainable hands—you just don't see them much anymore.

Most NFL players wear gloves sprayed with chemicals for added tack. Cam Newton doesn't play that, however. He's all-natural, fair-trade epidermis when it comes to catching and throwing footballs, and he thinks it's about time these non-GMO digits of his are employed to their full usefulness.

The Carolina Panthers quarterback said as much after Sunday's 31-24 NFC divisional playoff win over the Seattle Seahawks. Seattle's last-ditch effort to win or push the game to overtime hinged on executing a successful onside kick late in the fourth quarter. 

This didn't come to pass. Carolina linebacker Thomas Davis pulled off a difficult leaping catch on Steven Hauschka's kick to seal the win for the Panthers and send them on to the NFC Championship Game.

Even so, Newton says he should at least get a chance at working the Panthers hands team for such situations, because he's great at handling snaps au naturale: 

"

I was always wondering why I'm not on the hands team? I catch the ball every single shotgun snap. I think I'll put a case in, but I don't know…I'm telling you, these hands are tailgate approved, much appreciated, no gloves either, know what I'm saying? No artificial, just straight organic hands. You don't see that a lot of times, this day and age.

"

Indeed. Not since Ben Carson opened the cranium of a stillborn musk deer and brought it to life with nothing but a paper clip and a yo-yo has the world seen such truly gifted hands.*

I just hope that for Cam's sake, he doesn't get his wish. Being the catch-guy on the hands team is a great way to get your collarbone pulped into mulch.

*This did not happen at all.

Dan is on Twitter. His hands are hypoallergenic and machine washable.