Golden Hate: Michael Crabtree, Richard Seymour First Humans to Dislike Bay Area

Bryan GoldbergSenior Writer ISeptember 11, 2009

CHARLOTTE, NC - MARCH 03:  Former Texas Tech football player Michael Crabtree sits courtside during a game between the Chicago Bulls and Charlotte Bobcats at Time Warner Cable Arena on March 3, 2009 in Charlotte, North Carolina.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

San Francisco's reputation as the only city on the planet that nobody dislikes was officially called into question this afternoon, effectively ending a 160-year streak of general popularity.

Former Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree and recently acquired Oakland Raiders DE Richard Seymour have both expressed passive-aggressive disdain for the City by the Bay, thus obviating its reputation for unquestioned likability.

"He just doesn't want to be here," explained former 49er great Steve Young, when asked to comment on Crabtree's refusal to sign a contract.

If true, Michael Crabtree will be the first person—ever—to hate on San Francisco.

Not to be outdone by its more famous cross-Bay neighbor, Oakland has responded in kind by unleashing Richard Seymour into the prima donna cadre.

Insiders report that both Crabtree and Seymour are committed to their disdain, and Crabtree's agent has reported that the college standout will not be moved by the following Bay Area virtues:

* Fantastic weather that is totally devoid of snow and hail, with perhaps 15 rainy days a year, and nothing but sunshine  thereafter.

* A laid-back attitude in which B.S. is cut out of the equation and good ideas help drive an innovation economy.

* The best burritos on earth. Even better than in Mexico.

* Hot European tourists who come here in hopes of discovering a "Free Love" culture that hasn't existed in 40 years. 

* Beaches, Wine Country, and Tahoe—all within a four-hour drive of each other. Like seriously. God put all those awesome things in one place. And to think that he didn't give any of Russia's eight time zones jack sh*t. 

* Pebble Beach, Cypress Point, the Olympic Club, and a ton of other great golf courses for when you retire rich—and, yes, Mr. Crabtree, $20 million is considered rich. 

* Nerds from Stanford and Berkeley who invent awesome stuff for us to use and then crawl back into their caves.

* ...And much, much, more!

Michael Crabtree has already gone on the record to say that, in an ideal situation, he would have been drafted higher. More specifically, he wishes that he could live in one of the following cities: Detroit, St. Louis, Kansas City, Cincinnati, or Jacksonville.

Should Crabtree fail to sign with the 49ers and re-enter the draft en route to an eventual third round selection, it will stand as evidence that, for the first time ever, somebody showed up in San Francisco and determined that they hated it there.

Football analysts continue to speculate that there is no way Michael Crabtree has partied at the bar Medjool in San Francisco's Mission District, or else he would be "completely sold" on the city. If true, then it is also highly unlikely that he has eaten at either El Ferolito or Taqueria Cancun, further erasing hopes of getting the sophomore standout addicted to his currently temporary home.

"At this point, we have to assume that he hasn't rented a lakeside house in Tahoe," explained Jon Gruden, "because anybody who does that could never hate on Cali."

Gruden also pointed out that Crabtree's current net worth of zero dollars would make it difficult to afford a boat.

Famed NFL coach John Madden, himself a California transplant, added that he "feels bad for anybody who hates getting laid," noting that San Francisco's many liberal girls have convinced themselves that sluttiness is better referred to as "open-mindedness" or "empowerment."

Those with knowledge of the conflict have set Saturday as the unofficial deadline for Crabtree to get his sh*t together and sign the damn contract.

Should he choose to forgo a contract, Crabtree will force thousands of San Francisco yuppies to exclaim, "What? Is he serious? I mean, seriously?! No... No way..."


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