In late-breaking nautical news, the islands of the Bahamas will be forcibly invaded in 2016 when amicable thigh pirate Rob Gronkowski lands ashore with a cruise ship full of people too drunk to conjugate.
The New England Patriots tight end released a trailer for the event Tuesday (h/t UpRoxx's Christmas Ape). Titled "GRONK's Party Ship hosted by Rob Gronkowski and Family," the video shows exactly how any three-day cruise from Miami to the Bahamas put on by the Gronkowski family should go.
There will be music. There will be dancing. And house—so much house.
So far, it appears the cruise will feature musical guests Waka Flocka Flame and Sammy Adams along with whatever army of DJs the Gronkowski clan requires to get through a long weekend at sea.
I don't see the downside here, guys. I've thought about it a lot, and you can't really go wrong with a Bahamian Gronk cruise.
Even in the worst-case scenario—where the Thightanic strikes a reef of discarded Captain Morgan bottles and begins slowly sinking into the ocean—Gronk and Waka will assemble on the middeck and perform a stoic rendition of "No Hands" as smiling passengers board lifeboats outfitted with flip-cup tables.
That's just life on the Brewsitania. You'll laugh even as the warm waters of the Atlantic rush up to claim you because you pulled the tabs on your life preserver only to discover it was actually a whoopee cushion.
I'm just saying, it'll probably be a great time.
Dan is on Twitter. He definitely won't try to sneak aboard disguised as a case of Lime-A-Rita.