Rock of Love: Glen Sather Edition
Fact: I hate the offseason. I get bored. And of that boredom comes twisted shit like what you’re about to read. For, ladies and gentlemen, I give you……
If The Rangers Were ‘Rock of Love’ Girls, Who Would They Be?
Where Rory imagines a world in which the members of the New York Rangers are trashy ex/current strippers, tour bus chasers, amateur porn stars, and STD carrier extraordinairres. Because we here at 5-Hole bring you only the very best in sports reporting around. Oh yeah.
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(Dedicated to the greatest housemate anyone could ask for: my girl Alex (Momo for those of us ‘in the know’), who shares my love of these amazing skanks as well as hot hockey players. And margaritas. Mmmmm. Love you, girl!)
*Note: I tried to do the whole team, but most of the guys have zero personality, and I couldn’t match them with any of the girls no matter how hard I tried. So, um, yeah – ON WITH THE WHORES!!
(**Note Number Two: This was supposed to be published about two months ago and concerns members of the 2008-2009 team. Unfortunately, I’m a lazy piece of shit and didn’t finish it until now. Deal with it, bitches.)
Wade Redden: Brittany Starr (Season 3)
Strongly disliked by just about everyone and can’t do anything right. While Brittany was a sock-thief and ex-pornstar, Redden is a cap-space thief and ex-decent NHL defenseman. Oh, and Redden totally hides old food in his bed on the road.
Steve Valiquette: Jessica (Season 2)
Is genuinely nice and hard-working; does well in challenges when called upon. However, is consistently outshined by fame-whoring ways of counterparts. Gets shit-faced while wearing shiny gold bikinis.
Aaron Voros: Nikki a.k.a. DJ Lady Tribe (Season 3)
Is a straight up HOT MESS with no discernible talent. Writes rap lyrics on STD pamphlets.
Marc Staal: Heather (Season 1 Runner-up)
Generally awesome in every way. My heart flutters when this person is around, and should totally be around all the time to keep shit under control; or get shit crazy, depending on the situation. Has Bret Michael’s name tattooed on the back of their neck.
Henrik Lundqvist: Mindy (Season 3 Runner-up)
Despite best efforts, gets screwed over by worthless, money-grubbing whores. Has tendency to slip into ‘funks’. Wears hot pants and is deeply in love with Bret Micheals.
Colton Orr: Brittanya (Season 3)
Isn’t really good for anything but fighting. Has multiple tattoos stemming from crotch region.
Michal Roszival: Daisy (Season 2)
Is God-awful to look at, has breakdowns often. Roszival is good at sucking up cap space – Daisy is good at sucking up, well, anything really.
Nik Antropov: Angelique a.k.a. Frenchie (Season 2)
Thickly-accented and built like a tree; despite total awesomeness, it was always clear would not be sticking around for the long haul. But was still fun to have around in the meantime.
Ryan Callahan: Ambre (Season 2 Winner)
Honest, hard-working, genuine person whom, to be honest, I have nothing bad to say about. Just as Ambre won Bret’s heart, I hope that Cally will one day win the Rangers captaincy. And Stanley Cup, of course – which we all know is just as good as Bret Michaels’ cowboy hat. Rawr.
Scott Gomez: Megan (Season 2)
An unabashed gold-digger, has no desire to work hard. Smug, thinks self is extremely popular, but is soon found out to be worthless – most likely to get into a fight with Sharon Osborne.
Rock of Love Charm School Reunion Fight - Sharon Osbourne Vs Megan - The funniest movie is here. Find it
Brandon Dubinsky: Maria (Season 3)
Only because of those amazing strips of sexy that both of them call ‘eyebrows’. Me-ow.
Lauri Korpikoski: Marcia (Season 3)
Probably my favorite person to listen to talk of the whole bunch. Not a superstar, but still pretty awesome to have around. Drinks copious amounts of tequila(sorry, the site wouldn’t let me embed. Bastards).
Paul Mara: Natasha (Season 3)
Is the manliest of them all.
Chris Drury: Taya (Season 3 Winner)
May technically be Rangers ‘captain’ and Bret’s ‘rock of love’, respectively, but that doesn’t mean that anyone actually thinks it’s deserved.
Sean Avery: Ashley (Season 3)
Both are surprising good at many things – Avery: skating, passing, scoring. Ashley: drinking, puking, stripping. Both highly skilled at fighting like a dirty bitch and pointing out the physical flaws of others. Also, both had to be left to the end of the post, because I needed unlimited space to display said skills and awesomeness:
Aaaaand, just for fun:
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