Coming Back To The NFL

For various reasons, I have been away from here since the end of last season. Let me make sure that I have all of this straight:

The former jailbird known as Michael Vick is now an Eagle and this was suggested by the current starting quarterback, despite the fact that even after two seasons out of the game Vick is likely to be more mobile, faster and more accurate than he is. Could this be the unlikeliest career suicide yet seen in the NFL?

The wide receiver known as Donte Stallworth is now a jailbird (or at least under house arrest) because he couldn’t avoid a lone pedestrian on a deserted highway – despite being a wide receiver and therefore paid to dodge people for a living.

The wide receiver named Plaxico Burress is going to jail for shooting himself. At least he can console himself with the fact that he’s the only NFL player to have an English indie rock musician named after them.

The Bengals signed a fat, avaricious fool in the first round and were then surprised when he held out until the end of training camp, then showed up to practise so overweight that he broke his own foot after two days.

The Cowboys have a new stadium but, because of some halfwit at NFL HQ, they have a video screen that is about 30ft too low – something which calls to mind the ‘Stonehenge’ scene from Spinal Tap, with Jerry Jones as Nigel Tufnel.

Assuming that all of this is true, it is nice to know that the NFL isn’t any less insane than it was six months ago.