Funniest Self-Preservation 'I'd Rather Not' Sports Moments

The athlete is someone who isn’t afraid of twisting an ankle on chewed-up turf, someone who steps up to the plate despite the fact that a grown man is about to throw an heater over the inside corner.

Being an athlete, especially one that is good enough to play professionally, is supposed to mean you will put yourself in harm’s way rather than getting out of it. Sports like hockey and football simply wouldn’t work if the players weren’t fearless competitors—it’s as important as speed and strength.

However, athletes are human, and sometimes fearlessness loses the battle of adrenaline-fueled emotions. Instead of running toward danger, they run away from it. These moments of self-preservation are often hilarious, because it seems as if one person didn’t get the memo everyone else at the game read twice.

These are the funniest “I’d rather not” self-preservation moments in sports.

Antonio Cromartie Enjoys the View

The fact that a defensive back isn’t eager to lower his shoulder to hit a downhill runner isn’t exactly news, but reluctance at the NFL level is no excuse to simply pull up and say, “No thanks!,” in the middle of a play. And in this case, someone like Antonio Cromartie—who has been one of the better corners in the league—should know better.

I mean, this is Shonn Greene running the ball, a running back who looks the part a lot more often than he plays like it. Regardless of productivity, tackling Greene probably doesn’t feel great, but Cromartie should have done the only acceptable thing: half-heartedly tried to arm tackle him like a cover corner.

Mario Balotelli Is Terrified, Pup Is Thrilled

A dog can be quite terrifying—and depending on the dog and the circumstances, it can be a life-threatening situation. This, however, is not a life-threatening situation, and this dog is clearly out to lick faces rather than rip them off.

Star Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli may have earned his reputation as an enigmatic rabble-rouser, but this video proves that encouraging a friendly pup to bound around the footballer is enough to send him into a panicked tizzy.

Dwayne Bowe Passes on Catching

Dwayne Bowe is one of those frustrating NFL wide receivers who should be good, but is only great at being inconsistent—and that’s under ideal circumstances. In this 2011 game between the Kansas City Chiefs and Pittsburgh Steelers, no one presumed the 4-6 Chiefs, with former practice squad stalwart Tyler Palko under center, would be in the position to win the game.

But down by just four points late in the fourth quarter, the Chiefs were driving for the go-ahead score—until Palko lofted a pass downfield to Bowe, who seemed obliged to allow nickelback Keenan Lewis to catch the ball rather than, you know, feign effort and possibly get leveled in the process.

Peyton Manning Made the Right Decision

Future Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning doesn’t get sacked often—a fact indicative of his nearly unmatched ability to drop back and deliver a strike without much hesitation, rather than extending plays with his cement-like feet. In this instance, Manning didn’t get rid of the ball, but was instead dropped for a loss—by himself.

You can’t blame him. It’s not like Manning was going to slide out of the way of a marauding Mario Williams. Sometimes, you have to have retreat and live to fight another down.

Bro Lets Girlfriend Be Human Baseball Glove

Baseball is the only major spectator sport in the United States that poses a legitimate injury risk to spectators in the stands—not a high risk, but every season a few people get popped in the noggin by a foul ball.

So, if a hard foul is headed your way, catching it is ideal (unless you’re Steve Bartman), but at a minimum you want to avoid getting smacked in the skull. Unless, of course, not catching it means letting it sail into someone you care about instead.

In 2010, this couple got their 15 minutes of fame at a Houston Astros game when the bro did the latter. What makes his act especially egregious is the fact that he was in position to make the catch, but called an audible at the last possible moment. In his defense, catching a baseball barehanded does sting.

That's One Way to Stop the Fight

In 2013, Brazilian MMA fighter Claudinei Angelo did something so completely rational, yet so bizarre within the sport—he realized he didn’t have to be beaten to a pulp by the other guy and simply left. Regardless of whether a defeated fighter taps out or the referee stops the fight, it’s ending under very bad circumstances for the loser.

And considering the condition of Angelo’s face, vacating the situation entirely was the only way to get out without more punishment.

Albert Haynesworth Just Being Real

Granted, this incident pushes the envelope in terms of what qualifies as “self-preservation,” but considering the body of work of former NFL money sink/defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth, it could have very well qualified in his mind. After signing a huge free-agent contract with Washington, the hulking defender quickly went from earning the money to just spending it.

So, if giving even a little effort was going too far in the eyes of Haynesworth, then taking advantage of the opportunity gravity freely offered him just made sense.

Terence Newman Pretends He's Tackling Ahmad Bradshaw

Fact: Using your body to stop another adult human who is running toward you is more likely to result in injury than not doing it at all. In their matchup against the Indianapolis Colts last season, Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Terence Newman showed how much he respected 29-year-old veteran running back Ahmad Bradshaw by pretending he was a speeding locomotive, or laser.

No starting NFL defender has any business avoiding contact with the ball-carrier, but it’s not like Newman saw Marshawn Lynch—or a Kodiak bear—barreling toward him. This was Ahmad Bradshaw, a guy who has had his moments, but isn’t exactly Jerome Bettis.

Brittney Griner Sends Them Scattering

Former Baylor star Brittney Griner was almost always bigger and stronger than anyone on the other team, and this clip perfectly illustrates that disparity. She literally sends her opponents scattering as she takes a pass and slams it home against Texas State in 2010 (the play begins around 1:15 in the clip.)

One defender simply starts heading the other way while the other raises her arms before covering her head like the backboard glass was about to rain down.

You Should See How They Are Around a Vacuum Cleaner

Professional athletes are supposed to be a little more courageous than the guy watching the game on television. They get injured, then get stitched up and go back into the game; they stare down pitchers with a 100-mph heater and stand tall in the pocket even when the Lawrence Taylors of the world are trying to piledrive them into the turf.

They…run frantically into the clubhouse after a loud clap of thunder? You do if you’re one of these guys during a 2012 game between the Texas Rangers and Minnesota Twins in Arlington, Texas. Hey, I get it; being afraid of really loud thunder—and lightning in general—is human nature.

But I have some news for the guy who fled the scene, posthaste: When you hear thunder, it’s too late…the lightning has already happened—and it missed you.

J.R. Smith Gives Clearance for Takeoff

Cleveland Cavaliers guard J.R. Smith isn’t the first NBA player to use his athleticism to extricate himself from the path between Los Angeles Clippers star Blake Griffin and the basket—and he certainly won’t be the last.

Maybe the less cynical thing would have been to make an effort to defend Griffin, but less cynical doesn’t mean smarter. Giving up doesn’t look good, but getting a face full of Griffin crotch and having it memorialized on YouTube looks much worse.

Did You See How Hard He Threw That?!

I feel you, kid—I wouldn’t want to sit there and have a baseball thrown at or around my head either. But I think he should have let his coach know it might be a problem before this high school baseball team took the field for a playoff game in 2008.

Dee Ford Has a Frank Gore Phobia

Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Dee Ford was selected in the first round of the 2014 NFL draft, but I’m guessing the team didn’t ask him about running back Frank Gore during predraft interviews. Because if they had, based on this footage, I think he would have started hyperventilating.

It’s almost like Ford is being asked to tackle an avalanche, given the way he runs toward the play and then turns and runs downfield.

Ilya Bryzgalov Is Just Being Bryz

NHL goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has said a lot of goofy things and gotten paid a lot of money over the course of his career, but this is not one of his best moments as a hockey player (though so very him). There are many aspects of the sport that are rather terrifying, including the idea of a puck getting launched toward your head via slap shot.

But Bryzgalov is equipped with an impressive array of padding and body armor, like any modern goalie. The reaction is strange, if not indicative of a guy who enjoys the paychecks but not the game.

Kyle Korver Knew How This Was Gonna End

Once a great player like LeBron James is in the flight phase of a dunk, “defense” is more of an idea than a real strategy. So unless a guy like James flubs the finish, the question is really: How badly is he going to victimize the dude standing in his way?

Hawks shooting guard Kyle Korver did the math in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals and opted to clear out the space, rather than occupy it.

You can’t blame Korver—no one wants to be on the business end of a dunk-face—but he obviously gave zero consideration to the "fight" option when it comes to fight or flight.