Red Sox Juiceheads & Canseco Implies Rickey Henderson's Next

The New York Times reported last week that Boston Red Sox World Series heroes of yesteryear, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez, are two of a 104 players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs when baseball conducted its "anonymous" testing survey in 2003.

Ramirez, 37, being fingered by the renowned publication as a charlatan is not a surprise considering that the slugging hemorrhoid resumed playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers just last month after he served a 50 game suspension for abusing women's fertility drugs.

On the flipside, most of New England was comically shocked and shattered when the beloved Ortiz, 33, was finally exposed as the cheating weasel that he has been for years.

Big Papi, a five-time All-Star selection and four-time Silver Slugger Award winner, had been a harsh and outspoken critic of juiceheads.

After Alex "Bitch Tits" Rodriguez was officially found to be an utter phony in March, the hypocritical designated hitter suggested testing should be administered three or four times a year and that a single positive test should result in a one-year suspension.

Upon being “informed” that he was a farce, Papi played coy in a sad and pathetic statement to the media.

“Today I was informed by a reporter that I was on the 2003 list of MLB players to test positive for performance enhancing substances,” said Big Papi, who was personally trained at a popular gym in Boston on Lansdowne Street by a known abuser of steroids. “Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive. Two, I will find out what I tested positive for. And, three, based on whatever I learn, I will share this information with my club and the public. You know me. I will not hide and make excuses.”

If the fraudulent and gap-toothed Dominican wants to “not hide and make excuses,” he will readily admit that he utilized synthetic testosterone like the phenomenal majority of his colleagues in the sport did for more than the past decade.

Respected truth-teller and whistleblower Jose Canseco hardly flinched when he was told that Ortiz and Ramirez were the latest ballplayers caught with dirty urine.

“When you tell me something I didn’t already know, I’ll be surprised,” Canseco, 45, told ESPN.

However, the six-time All-Star selection and 1988 AL MVP ominously continued to sling mud around the diamond.

“I’ll tell you this, Major League Baseball is going to have a big problem, big problem on their hands when they find out they have a Hall of Famer who’s used.”

 When asked to name the Hall of Famer, the blacklisted former Bash Brother refused to divulge the identity of the individual.

“It’s not about naming names,” said Canseco, an admitted juicehead who last performed on the major league level for the Chicago White Sox in 2001.

“I’ve never had anything against the players. It’s always been against Major League Baseball. I know who’s on that list, but like I said, it’s not about attacking the players. It’s about the machine that allowed this to happen. What I speak out of my mouth is the truth. It burns like fire. Just remember, I have never lied about this subject.”

It is impossible at this juncture for one to precisely pinpoint who Canseco is speaking about in this instance.

However, it is easy to speculate that the Cuban twin is alluding to his former Oakland Athletics teammate and 2009 Hall of Fame inductee, Rickey Henderson.

Henderson, 50, a ten-time All-Star selection who has stolen the most bases and scored the most runs in the history of baseball, arrived in Cooperstown two weeks ago on the first ballot after he garnered an astounding 95% of the vote.

Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci wrote in 2003 that Henderson once called Padres General Manager Kevin Towers and said, “Kevin, this is Rickey. Calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

The public already realized that Ramirez was a cheater.

Last week, Ortiz was finally unmasked as yet another fake superstar.

Now, because of Canseco’s insinuations, it appears likely that Rickey did steroids. Rickey probably knew everyone else was using and Rickey didn’t want to be left out.

Amidst all of the controversy, Canseco, unbelievably, remains the most trusted voice in the game of baseball.

Last week was just another week in the sordid annals of “America’s Pastime.”