Top 7 - Least Intimidating Team Names

Lions and Tigers and Bears.  Raptors and Timberwolves and Wizards.  These pro sports team names do what they are supposed to: remind you of things that could tear you limb from limb or do serious damage to you.  If you scour the names of all of the teams in major professional sports, you will find that for every team name that makes sense, there is at least one that does not.

This week’s Top 7 looks at the least intimidating sports team names out there.  A special thanks to the XFL, who took intimidating sports team names to the absurd level with squads like the Maniax and the Hitmen.  Awesome.

7. Angels

One could say that the White Sox and Red Sox should both be on the list because they are, well, socks.  I’m going to disagree with that.  Any wrestling fan knows that Mankind was absolutely vicious with Mr. Socko.  You could also strangle someone with a sock.  So socks can be intimidating.  Angels are not, but what keeps them from rocketing towards the top of the list is their performance in the movie Angels in the Outfield.  As opposition, that’s a bit scary.

6. Maple Leafs

Our first inanimate object makes the list!  Its only saving grace from being in the top two is that some people may be allergic, and the potential stickiness may be a bit bothersome.  Other than that, you’re not going to get too many people peeing their pants over a leaf or two.

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5. Marlins

It’s a fish.  It’s hard to be scared of any non-piranha fish, unless you called a team “Those Flesh-Eating Fish That They Find in Places Like Indonesia Every So Often.”  The Florida Cod would have been sweet, plus it could have led to an endless supply of marketing dollars from Long John Silvers.

4. Ducks

It’s inexplicable that they dropped the “Mighty” from the “Mighty Ducks.”  It’s probably the worst chance of nickname of all-time.  Going from “Devil Rays” to “Rays” is pretty bad, but becoming plain old ducks is just a horrible decision.  Instead of being in the most intimidating nicknames—the thought of a mighty duck wreaking havoc on you is truly terrifying—they end up near the top of the least.  You have probably known people who were scared of everything from an ostrich to a flea, but you would be hard-pressed to find anyone frightened of a fun-loving little duck.

3. Nets

It’s not a “silliest” list, but Nets would probably make the top of that one.  It’s the equivalent of baseball having a team called the “Home Plates,” or football fans rooting on the “Goal Posts.”  Granted, nets that are made of chains can be rather intimidating, but it’s going to be that way for both teams.

2. Jazz

It’s safe to say that Jazz music has never hurt anyone.  Whether any music has ever hurt anyone, you’ll have to ask some of the people that blame Marilyn Manson for inciting violence.  So if you’re going to name a sports team after music, you could at least them “Hardcore Gangster Rap” or “Devil Music” or “Hanson” if you want to go with it.

1. Cubs

You wouldn’t call a team the Puppies or the Kittens or the Babies, so you shouldn’t call a team the Small Bears.  One wonders if the football Chicago team were called the Cubs and the baseball team the Bears, whether people would be sacrificing goats down at Soldier Field while Bear baseball fans check out the World Series Shuffle video on You Tube featuring Leon Durham, Ryne Sandberg, and Rick Sutcliffe for the 7,000^th time.

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