Dear Awesome Eldin™: Ronaldive Edition

After spending some time on B/R I started receiving mail from celebrities asking for my advice on different topics, while I sadly did not receive these individual's names due to the seriousness of the issues addressed, I can however show their letters to the public.

The first half is the letter I've received, and the second is my reply to them.
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Dear Awesome Eldin™

I am without a doubt the most talented player in the history of sports. I'm not just talking about football, but I'm also talking about Rugby, NHL, NFL, Tennis, Table Tennis and Marbles.

In fact, pick a number between 1 and 10, it's 72 isn't it. See, I told you I'm the best.

But sadly Mr.Awesome™, even though I am the most talented, prettiest and smartest of them all, I am also one of the most hated. I can't stand hearing those losers booing me, I know they're jealous of me, but I can't stand them calling me a cheat.

They don't know the courage it takes to dive even though you've just had your nails done.

I mean, think about it, that Non-flying Dutchman guy never cheated, what did he ever win. He wasn't even good to begin with. He's nothing compared to me, he will never be remembered by people because he was never half as talented as I am.

Also Mr.Awesome™, not only am I competing with the world's best on the pitch, but also off it as well. I've been competing with Golden Balls to see who is the most marketable player in the history of football. But I can't seem to get people's attention, can you please help me with this Mr.Awesome™?

Please Mr.Awesome™, if you can help me with these troubling issues, I would be the
happiest man indeed. I just want to be loved, it's hard to live alone inside my huge mansion with no-one to play with, and no-one to throw thousands of Euros at.

Thanks in advance,

Ronaldive

P.S: My duck says hi.

Dear Gaynaldo...Err, I mean, Ronaldive

Thank you for your trust in me, I assure you that I will do my utmost to help you with all the problems that you are facing.

First of all, how the hell did you guess that number right?

Second...jealous...yes...I see.

Perhaps it's because these simpletons cannot understand the greatness that is in you,
I mean, you're not just anyone, you're the chosen one.  *Sarcasm*

Third, with regard to your comments about the Non-Flying Dutchman, perhaps this humble poem that I wrote you will make things a little clearer, so you can understand.

*Ahem, ahem*

Dear Ronaldive you simply suck @$$,

You lack any talent and lack any class,

In England, Spain or even in France,

Where ever you go you will always suck @$$,

Your new life awaits you inside the Bernabeu,

Now go piss them off you slutty pregnant cow,

And one final note you second rate tr@mp,

You were never half as good as Dennis Bergkamp.

...Yes...Cow...Thank you.

And about your marketing problem, did you ever consider making your own line? Something like, "If you have a goat, goat to hell!" or "If the glove don't fit, you're all full of sh!t." Lines like these get people to think about the wonders and joys of life.

Also, don't think that you're gonna beat Golden Balls in the whole marketing thing. After all, they call him Golden Balls for a reason, they're not just any balls...They're Golden Balls.

I would like to thank you for addressing these issues to me, I hope these answers were able to help you with your problems, and I also hope to hear from you again soon.

Yours Truly

Awesome Eldin™.

Note: Eldin, Awesome Eldin and Awesome are all trademarks of Mohamed Eldin Masri, any illegal use of these words will result in a law suit followed by endless punching in the nuts.

You have been warned.