The Finishing Move: Shaq Attacks Raw!

No rumors.  No ratings.  Just recap. 

Since the "Monday Night Wars" in the late '90s, professional wrestling has been so scrutinized by so-called "smart" marks (a wrestling fan) that fans of wrestling today have completely forgotten what wrestling is all about...entertainment. 

With that in mind, I welcome you to "The Finishing Move." 

In my article, I will summarize wrestling programs for you.  I will take the show and break it down (no pun intended) into promo segments and matches.  I will not rate the matches, and I will not berate the promos. 

I will simply just give you the highlights of the night, and I will do it through the eyes of a wrestling fan...not a "smart" mark.  My first show will be World Wrestling Entertainment's "flagship" show, Monday Night Raw.

Raw is taking place tonight in Washington, D.C., in the Verizon Center, on July, 27, 2009.

Raw opens with Hall of Famer and Raw color commentator Jerry "The King" Lawler in the ring.  He is there to introduce tonight's Celebrity Guest Host: NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal! 

After Shaq jokes with the fans about being the newest member of the Cleveland Cavaliers, he announces a "Beat the Clock Challenge" with the winner to face Randy Orton, the current WWE Champion, at Summerslam for the WWE Championship! 

The participants for this event are Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and John Cena.  (Rules for this challenge will be revealed later in the article.)  Shaq asks DC if they are ready, but then....

Chris Jericho, one half of the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, comes to the ring and interrupts Shaq.  Jericho makes fun of Shaq, and Shaq berates Jericho.  Jericho has a plan, though.  He calls out his tag team partner, the 7 foot 450 lb., Big Show. 

Shaq challenges Show, but Show says he does not want a lawsuit from the NBA for destroying him.  Shaq anticipated this, so he says he hired a team for the night...WWE Smackdown!'s Cryme Tyme! 

Shaq makes the match between Jericho/Show vs. Cryme Tyme official, but with one stipulation...Shaq is the special ringside enforcer!  It goes to commercial with Shaq and Cryme Tyme high-fiving in the ring.

The first match of the night is the first "Beat the Clock Challenge (BTCC)" match.  The rules to BTCC is simple:  the Superstar who wins their match the fastest wins the number one contender's spot. 

BTCC Match #1:  Mark Henry vs. Carlito

"The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry controlled the majority of the match with Carlito trying to constantly leave the ring for fear of Henry's domination. 

At the 6:25 mark, Carlito had Henry wore down, and went for his finishing move, the backstabber, but Henry countered, and got Carlito pinned at 6:49 by using his finisher, the world's strongest slam. 

We now go backstage and show Mickie James, the new WWE Diva's Champion, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim walking toward the ring as Raw heads to commercial.

Coming back from commercial, there is a recap of how Mickie James won the Diva's title from Maryse at Night of Champions on Sunday. 

Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, & Alicia Fox

A back-and-forth matchup with Mickie and her girls getting the win when Gail Kim tagged herself in, and pinned Alicia Fox, even though Mickie had the match well in hand.  Mickie, Kelly, and Gail have their hands raised, but Mickie looks at Gail, confused.

"The King" called the match by himself because Michael Cole is backstage for a special interview with Shaq.  Michael starts to talk to Shaq, but they are interrupted by Raw's resident leprechaun, Hornswoggle. 

Shaq and Hornswoggle have a fun time in Shaq's office, and Cole ruins it by saying, "That was Shaq-a-licious!" and trying to fist-bump Shaq.  He just rolls his eyes and leaves Michael alone in the office to dwell on his dorkiness.

Back from commercial, and it is now time for the second BTCC match.

MVP vs. the returning Chris Masters! (Time to beat 6:49; set by Henry)

Chris Masters has not been on WWE programming in a few years, and he makes a strong return.  He and MVP have a great match with a peculiar ending.  Masters locks on his finishing submission, the masterlock, outside of the ring, and draws a double count-out.  MVP has been eliminated from contention.

Back from commercial, THE Brian Kendrick is in the ring, and is degrading Jerry Lawler for embarrassing him last week on Raw when "The King" beat him.  He was interrupted by his opponent's entrance.

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs. THE Brian Kendrick

Kendrick continues his rant as the ref rings the bell, so Kofi just hits Kendrick with "trouble in paradise," his finisher.  Kofi wins easily. 

Before commercial, Triple H is walking to the ring, but is attacked by Ted DiBiase (a member of Randy Orton's Legacy faction).  DiBiase hits HHH in the knee with a crowbar!  Triple H's match with Legacy's Cody Rhodes is next.

Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes (Time to Beat 6:49; set by Henry)

Cody went for the knee the whole match, but Triple H came back at the end.  He was setting Rhodes up to lose when DiBiase came out to try to get Trips disqualified.  He did not, but he ran out of time.  Triple H is now out of contention.

Backstage, Shaq is playing Scrabble with Santino Marella.  Santino accuses Shaq of cheating, but they are interrupted by Cryme Tyme.

Shaq and Cryme Tyme have some fun, and Santino starts rapping!  Very funny segment heading into commercial. 

Back from commercial, Hornswoggle is heading into the ring.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

Hornswoggle has beaten Chavo three weeks in a row.  Chavo has been beaten by having to fight matches on his knees, with one hand behind tied behind his back, and had a "wardrobe malfunction" in a "Sharp Dressed Man" match.  This week he has to be blindfolded!

He tries to cheat and peek, but Hornswoggle gets the best of him again, and uses "the tadpole splash" for the win.  Chavo is now 0-4 against a leprechaun.

We now see Randy Orton backstage, and Jack Swagger walks in and taunts Orton followed by Mark Henry.

Match #4 in the BTCC sees:  Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Evan Bourne gets the surprise roll-up pin with 3:09 to go!  Jack Swagger has been eliminated from contention.

Next week's Raw celebrity guest host is announced: it is actor Jeremy Piven from HBO's Entourage!!

Triple H is interviewed backstage and puts DiBiase and Rhodes on notice that Triple H is someone you DO NOT want to mess with.

BTCC Match #5:  John Cena vs. The Miz (Time to Beat 6:49; set by Henry)

Miz announces before the match that the only thing he is going to do is waste time so John Cena does not get to face Orton, who is ringside at Summerslam. 

Cena comes out, and the match begins.  Miz tries his hardest to waste time, but Cena catches him, and begins to dominate.

Cena puts the Miz in his submission finisher, the STF, and beats Mark Henry's time with 2:21 left.  Randy Orton gets in the ring and stares down his opponent for Summerslam!

Main Event:  Chris Jericho/Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme with Shaq as the special ringside enforcer

Jericho and Show taunt Shaq the entire match.  Jericho was legal, and Big Show loses the match for them via DQ when Show will not get out of the ring.  They are not too concerned with it because Show wants Shaq. 

Shaq does not back down, and he gets in the ring, and shoves Big Show.  Big Show then sets Shaq up for the choke slam, but Shaq counters with a goozle of his own. 

Cryme Tyme assists Shaq by taking out Show's knees, and Shaq shoulderblocks Big Show out of the ring.  Raw closes with Shaq and Cryme Tyme celebrating in the ring.